Adonis Diaries

Archive for January 2nd, 2009

Not a team player


 I had no abilities within team games in sport. I was short and ungainly. The few times any team allowed me to play volleyball I never minded that over zealot players intercept my balls; I enjoyed volleyball on one on one or when in circle but would quit when rowdy players started to smack the ball “kabseh”.   Maybe the additional handicap for not liking group sports was that I started wearing corrective glasses since the age of 13 and had broken many ultra ugly corrective glasses several times; basketball was the worst glass breaker; I think that I once broke my glass shooting hoops by myself.  Once, we were tested to join a soccer team; I was promptly excluded: I think that I stumbled several times while running a lousy ball; you know that it was not my fault but someone always doing tricks on me.  Baseball was once introduced for a semester; I am pretty sure that it did not suit my temperament of waiting, I the rock, not to mention hitting my ankles or my head with an ugly and dangerous stick.  In the Brevet year we were all trained to rotate lighted short batons for the end of year ceremony; thus, during summer I filled bags with sands and rotated them over my head in acrobatic motions:  I developed heavier forearms than the rest of my body members; just imagine my friend and cousin Popeye.

One summer we hired a black belt Gong Fu trainer by the name of Hamza, for a “select” group of athletes and I was admitted.  Hamza never told me that I was a hopeless case with my funny running, jumping and kicking. It turned out that I was the only one who was awarded the Green Belt (Beware guys!).  I was the only one who kicked the flat wooden board: style didn’t matter, only performance count.

Another summer I was hoarded to a training camp.  We were to climb ropes, cross mountains on ropes, and all kinds of ropy shenanigans.  I climbed the rope with perfect style and according to directions.  I reached the top with hurrahs. The trainer ordered me to descend the rope immediately.  My biceps and triceps and many hidden “ceps” were tired and exhausted and they locked at the first third of the height. I let go by mid height after the skin and flesh of my hands evaporated in well cooked resistance maneuver.  I was the happiest guys in camp when my co-campers were to cross mountains on an extended rope. I don’t appreciate seeing in movies Special Forces climbing ropes but I exult when they cross over mountains; only then I feel like a movie watcher.

I barely have seen the sea in my childhood though I could see it and it was barely five miles bird’s distance.  Once, I was devilishly trying to advance even an inch in a swimming pool; the “maitre nageur” whistled for me to get out promptly; I got mad, really mad, because I didn’t yet drown and shouted: “le 3ainak!” which meant “for the sake of your eyes watch how wonderfully and fishily I will swim” the rest of the interminable pool. I did learn how to swim, in any manner you like, except flipping over to changing direction; I asked the director of the Olympic team of swimmers to disqualify me and refused adamantly to suffer any further sport rebuffs. Wherever I relocate my first search is for a nearby covered swimming pool.

Guess what! I learned to snow sky too; a way to discriminate among water skiing or ice skating. I tried once ice skating and my ankles hurt very much; the baby skates were too tight and the next higher number was too large but then I had some fat around my behind which delayed the setting on of further hurts and aches the next morning.  Back to snow skiing.  Sure, I hired a trainer the first couple of times but I was a born snow skier.  I used to carry all the expensive sky implements on top of my car twice a week for a winter. I had the guts to attempt one of “dangerous” slopes.  I remember clearly that the slope was not labeled Red or Orange, or even Yellow.  The slope was elevated and the view from up there was not comforting and I was alone and the sky darkening.  I remember clearly that I could not describe my perilous descent to hell as skiing; it was mostly sliding on my bottom.  Again, it is not style but performance that counts and I can boast indefinitely.  That is the beauty of free opinion.

I carried a much stooped stature which exacerbated my shortness and still do.  I am 164 cm tall and just shot 8 cm in one of the years, maybe when I was 14, and stopped growing altogether. Ghassan is taller than me by at least 6 cm and walks straight.

Autobiography: On Sex,  (chapter 17)

Before I decided to get circumcised at the age of 27, while studying in the USA, I do not recall that I masturbated or even had a wet dream.  I did not masturbate, or knew how. 

Years later, I had the opportunity to patronize nude clubs in the USA, where girls danced totally naked, with poles and no pole-support. And even then, I cannot remember that I masturbated: I didn’t know how it was done?

It is while visiting nude clubs that I purchased my first box of cigarette to fit in the ambiance. I told how I lost my “virginity” in a lengthy story “Raines is my initiator, or she isn’t”. 

The first time a woman induced me to perform intercourse in the USA was a failure: the skin of my penis had retracted and I was in pain for two days before a physician covered the head of my penis  with the retracted skin and the pain vanished. The first physician was a woman and she transferred me to a male physician for a “hands down practice session”

The physician tried patiently to teach me how to retract the skin and cover it again, and that I should practice this exercise at least twice a day. 

I had no theoretical ideas how to make intercourse or how babies come to the world until I was 17.  My sex initiation in the realm of knowledge was done during a specific course in private religious high school in Lebanon: It was the class of “seconde”, first secondary year.  I learned the mechanism, but I cannot be sure that I would be able to locate the appropriate entrance if physically tested, sort of lab applied session?

It is obvious that sex was never discussed at home. Frankly, there was no conversation or explicit communication, period.  Every member in the family had to fend for himself and obtain answers to his curious mind, if it existed, somewhere else, which is to say nobody else. Virtual imagination was king, aided by books and overhearing of conversations. We were living in a metropolis, but practically the South Pole would not have been that specially ideal in sex isolation and comprehension.

I might have been very ignorant on the mechanism of sex, but my curiosity about discovering the female body came as early as 13 years of age. You know, tits, round shapes, artistic forms…?  I never missed an adequate opportunity to peep through a door hole, and I loved to touch female bodies, but reciprocity were lacking. 

How can normal sexuality develop when all my schooling years were done in no mixed schools?  I think that it is normal that homosexuality or lesbianism develop in such environment, at least out of habit, if not hereditary. 

I liked boys who were hairless and I would have liked to touch what looked as a smooth skin:  I was too hairy and was kind of older than my classmates, of at least two years older, though I looked tinier and shorter. 

I felt humiliated to show my hairy body during sport classes.

“Trailing a butterfly” by late Palestinian Mahmoud Darwish (Part 3, December 30, 2008)


            Routine in Gaza

Low atmospheric pressure; a north-western wind; rain drops, and a wrinkled gray sea is the background.  Autumn clouds (a euphemism, symbolic term for coming massacres); 30 fallen martyrs today in north Gaza. Two women died in a demonstration demanding their share of rights. 

Autumn clouds on a clear sunny day destroyed an entire family of 17 members under the debris of their home.  This unusual life is pretty much routine in Gaza. People can still wish a good morning if they survived a fighter jet bomb: They resume their routine of burying the martyrs.  

The people in Gaza are never sure to return to a standing home as the tanks and bulldozers surround the area. People of Gaza wish to be foxes to have safe heaven in grottos but there are none. We are asking that the devils agree for a short truth to bury the dead. 

(Gaza is surrounded by unfriendly States of Israel and Egypt of Mubarak)


            A rifle and a “kafane” (shroud)

“Nobody will defeat me; I will not subdue anyone” said a masked security man.  He fired his gun into air and said “the bullet will zoom in on its enemy”. 

The masked man is jobless and on a rampage for his private war:  There is no peace to defend and die for.

The man with the rifle was hungry; he fired one more (rashak) in the air hoping that a clump of grapes from heaven would fall to him. 

If peace is an interlude between two wars, the dead should have the right to vote: they would certainly vote for an Army General as leader. 

(Most of Israel’s PMs are Army Generals)


            If we wanted

We will be a people, if we want, when we realize that we are no angels, that evil is not the specialty of the “others”.

We will become a people when we desist of saying a prayer to the “Sacred Nation”, everytime a poor fellow finds something to eat for supper.

We will become a people when we can curse the Sultan and the valet of the Sultan without retribution;

When we forget what the tribe has ordered; when little details are appreciated and valued.

We can be a people when the police protect whores being beaten on the streets; when mixed marriage is a civil law.

We will be a people when we respect the just, the right, and the error, and the wrong.


            The law of fear

The killer looks at the ghost of the murdered, not in his eyes, without remorse.  He tells the mobs “Do not blame me: I was just scared

A few interpreted the sentence as the right to kill in self-defense.  A few shared their opinions saying “Justice is the overflow of the generosity of power”. 

Others said “Wouldn’t this murdered individual have a name in other nations?”  

The mob paid their condolence to the killer but when a foreigner wondered “But what is the reason for killing a baby?” 

The mob replied “Because one day this baby will grow up and then we will fear him”

But why kill the mother?  The mob said “Because she will raise a memory“. 

The mob shouted in unison “Fear and not justice is the foundation for authority


            Over my heart I walked (The poet had serious heart ailment)

As if my heart is a road, a street pavement, or air;

I walked over my heart.

My heart said to me: “Your question is tiring me; where to go when there is no land, no sky, and you always obey me”

I replied “Revolt against me, run, run; there is nothing behind us but the past“.

No food, no medicine, and no oil for Gaza:  just exploding bombs (December 30, 2008)


So far, the genocide air bombing of Gaza by Israel has left 400 dead and over 1900 serious injuries; the toll is climbing by the minutes and the Israeli navy is participating. The UN has admitted that 70 civilians died (not counting the injured). The only two leaders who support openly the Israeli genocide are Bush Junior and Germany Merkel; their excuses is that stopping a few artisanal missiles sent by Hamas is worth a genocide and crime against humanity for one million and half Palestinians living in a squeezed strip of 300 square kilometers with no friendly borders. Gaza is the most densely inhabited place on Earth. The European leaders are lambasted for going along with Bush Junior, as they did after the US unilaterally invaded Iraq; no wonder that the Arab and Moslem populations have no faith in the western State leaders.


Nasr Allah delivered another speech at a mass gathering in Beirut and urged President Suleiman of Lebanon to convene the Arab foreign ministers to discuss Gaza predicaments.  Israel is threatening to invade Gaza by land but my impression is that Israel is calculating the potential escalations and the intervention of Hezbollah.  Even without Hezbollah intervention the Zionist colonies, 40 miles around Gaza, are in shelters; subjugating  hundreds of Jewish colonies in the north to flee to shelters for a long duration would result in a disastrous internal difficulty or what is called “Home Front”.

I was watching the evening news on December 28 and it was pre-empted because Hassan Nasr Allah was delivering a speech from 8:15 to 9 p.m.  Nasr Allah started by reminding us of the battle of Karbala where Hussein (the grandson of the Prophet Muhamad) was slain. It is Ashoura for the Shiaa Moslem sect.  Nasr Allah declared tomorrow a day of mourning for the Palestinian martyrs in Gaza; it coincided with Ashoura. He asked for a mass gathering in Dahiyeh tomorrow starting at 3 p.m. 

Nasr Allah declared that the war in Gaza is a carbon copy of the July War in 2006 against Lebanon.  The difference is that Gaza has no open borders to friendly States like Syria. (The Egyptian dictator, President Moubarak, has been planning with Israel and the US for an all out war on Gaza simply because Palestine Hamas is believed to support the Egyptian opposition party of the “Moslem Brotherhood”.  Boubarak participated in the complete blockage of Gaza for two months and had closed the only exit out at the Rafah Gates)

Nasr Allah encouraged the Egyptian people to demonstrate by the millions to demand the opening of the Rafah gates for all kinds of supplies to the imprisoned population in Gaza.

Ehud Barak and Levny of Israel are categorical: that this prolonged campaign of terror is to open a new era of peace and prosperity in the region; a carbon copy of the statement of Condo Rice during the terror campaign in July 2006 on Lebanon! The failed hopes of Bush Junior to re-arranging the “Greater Middle East” according to his limited brain power resulted in the onset of the financial crash: investors had stopped in August 2006 believing in the worthless paper transactions of the financial multinationals and the rate of investment had reach a plateau. The Bush Administration decided then on the timing of the inevitable financial crash!

The case of Gaza is both a revenge of the Bush Administration for July 2006 fiasco and also for putting the squeeze on President elect Barak Obama to declare his positions on the Middle East problems before he swears in this coming January.  Most probably, the US wanted to deflect the financial problems for a while by focusing the attention of news media and world community to a bloody and harrowing genocide. The media are certainly thankful because wars are more interesting than attacking problems of economy and poverty and joblessness!

Israel might have the potentials, offered by the US militarily and financially, to wage wars of genocides but the backlash is going to be of a long-term nature for Israel, the US, Germany, and Egypt.  Embassies and consulates would be attacked and burned around the world for many months and Hamas would re-gain more supporters and dominate Palestinian politics.  Israel and the US should certainly be asking the hard question “What next? Where to after Gaza?”

Top Gun (December 31, 2008)


The Palestinian martyrs in Gaza have already forgiven the Israeli Top Guns.

The skin of the Top Gun crawls at the sight of ants, down below.

The Top Gun is scared shitless at the sight of the ants, down below.

Those Hell Fires are not worth a dime: there are many injured ants, down below.

The Palestinian martyrs have forgiven the Top Gun.

It is the injured ants who remember Moses’ wisdom:

Blood for blood, an eye for an eye

That is denying sleep to the Top Gunner.

Top Gun has to be afraid of tomorrow.

Neither Hell Fires nor Bygone can exterminate human dignity.




January 2009

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