Adonis Diaries

Nonsense: it is better being “Normal”

Posted on: July 21, 2009

Nonsense: it is better being normal; (July 20, 2009)

I don’t recall much of my childhood.  I know I was in a boarding school for six years. I don’t recall feeling cold or hot. I have no idea if I had spare change of clothes or where and how they were stored. I don’t recall pissing or shitting.

I can feel splashing my face with the coldest water at 6 a.m. I recall vividly wetting my bed in the cold winter season, in a dormitory of over sixty bed-wetters. I reckon that I assumed I was the sole culprit; thus, my shame was the more intense. I recall getting busy hiding my crime: my crude versatile methods enhanced instant discovery of the maid for trying hard to tamper with evidence. 

            It is a truism that all boarding school “detainees” are constantly hungry; except me. I don’t recall feeling hungry or even eating anything. My aunt of a nun tried in desperation, and many times, to force feed me with disgusting raw eggs by squeezing my nose shut, until I swallowed the content in the shell. I longed for Saturday breakfast: fried eggs with tea.

            One summer, the students managed to slid in a tiny opening in the foodstore, and ransacked the reserves of chocolate, crackers, cheese,  and anything that didn’t need cooking.  Mass punishment was declared and the students lined up to receive four resounding slap of a venomous stick. The principal, after a split second hesitation, skipped me: I was innocence incarnate; I was the tiniest sickly student of my age, but I could endure suffering and pain without crying.

This event of being spared punishment was an instant great relief and the bitterest feeling of shame the moment after.  Even the most naïve kid that I was, I could sense that I will submit to the wrath and despise of the masses of “detained students”.

            Before that affair, I was already shunned and isolated, but then the indictment was final with no possible recourse to contemplate.  The mass of students conjectured, by common accord, that I was a sneak to the administration. I could have rather die than telltale on others. Heck, I don’t recall speaking too; I just played.

The administration demonstrated that it did not encourage telltale, by adopting mass punishment instead.  The mass wanted an easy and convincing scapegoat to release its bottled up anger.  The irony of it all is that I was not conscious of being isolated; I was told by innuendos very much later; and it dawned on me like a thunder.

            This shame is reinforced in a variety of forms and intensity, everytime I experienced preferential treatments because of my limitations; I cannot withstand privileges.  When the masses clap you had better clap; when they shout that they are hungry then you better feel hungry. 

My nun aunt made it her privilege to protect me from harms, reinforced by my mother letters from Africa to seek for my safety: I was not to join boy scout, no rollerskating, no joining the other students for the two-week vacation outside the confine of the school…The ultimate sheltered “frail kid my ass” who don’t recall ever falling sick and kept running during breaks, like a toy supplied with a mega-battery.

Masses need to select scapegoats at every occasion. A few of these scapegoats are labeled “leaders”. The masses elect a leader to dump over his shoulders all their responsibilities and expect to reap all the gratifications.  The mostly lazy masses that refuse to get organized, never attempt to shoulder a tiny bit of the responsibilities: they want their leaders to fail. 

The leader must fail and go into exile to escape lynching.  A leader’s only good exit for the “masses interest” is to fall a martyr: he was selected for that purpose.  Only martyred leaders are inducted in pantheon.

            Democracies are the ultimate systems for perpetrating the rituals of human sacrifices: that was done in all City-States that opted for democracy. The offerings are not done to an angry God; no, not to angry Gods.  Human sacrifices are a recognition of our awareness of our total impotence in this wretched, limited, and “unbearable lightness of being”.   Societies would have been far tolerant if life expectancy was continuously decreasing: No time for the blame game, just getting on with survival.  

Nonsense, it is far better to have been born normal and live among normal people.

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adonis49

adonis49

adonis49

July 2009
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