Adonis Diaries

Archive for August 30th, 2012

Power of Influence is always given: Connecting with the power base

You might think: “If I could just be the boss, I’d have my way…” That’s what I still think, but I’m going nowhere.  Nothing is further from the truth. It is how ready you are to connect to people and liking to communicate with people who bring forth power, these constant daily interactions that weave the web of power of influence.

Have you experienced the kinds of power you have been subjected to in your life? Like:

Did the power felt like intimidation? Have you felt offended?

Did the power felt like being listened to and connected with?

Did the power coerced you in your work and behavior?

Did the power you witnessed managed to change anything? To convince you of anything?

Was this power the sort of “higher position status” (earned from seniority convention), and which you took it for granted to mean a position of influence?

What’s your reaction when your superior says:“Remember. I’m the boss!” ? Do you think: “He is losing control. He is in deep trouble and might be sacked any moment now…”?

Do you think that “Power is a dirty word. And yet, without power, nothing gets done. Power is the ability to change things….”?

Dan Rockwell wrote: “Power and position often come together; higher position usually equals more power. Using power associated with position is the least desirable and most offensive use of power. Think of individuals who advance their own agenda at the expense of others….”

Gaining power:

Weak, disenfranchised people can have power. Gain power of influence: Learn to understanding others and advancing their goals.

Leaders with influence understand you, listen to you, adapt to relationship…and not vice versa.

Influence is always given never taken.

Influencers lift, expand, inspire, and set free. Influencers invigorate. Vitality characterizes organizations led by influencers.

Power of influence get things done:

If influencers advance the goals of others, how do they get things done? They align goals, passions, values, vision, and mission.

Tell me what makes you tick and I can influence you.

Influence only works when alignment exists. You won’t influence everyone. Create teams, for every project, who align with your passions and you create opportunities for influence as long as you focus on their goals. Their goals become shared goals.

Power of position corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely: This cowardice of keeping people at bay, and restricting your daily communication with a short list of mediators…

Lousy leaders expect others to adapt to them. They’re rigid and bossy. Failure to adapt to others frustrates everyone, including yourself.

Chris LoCurto said: “As a leader, it is your job to make your team successful, not the other way around.” 

This concept of “Adapting to others” needs to be clarified and examined.  Do you think a leader’s job is to keep adapting to others? In this case, what’s the meaning of being a leader if he is to simply adapt and not show direction, the right purpose of the project…?

Chris LoCurto, teacher of the Entreleadership Performance Series, loves teaching personality styles. DiSC helped him know himself. Just as importantly, DiSC helped him adapt to others by learning their communication styles.

First step: See yourself before you see others

Chris said, “DISC helps leaders understand how they give and receive information. If you get that ‘deer in the headlights look’ after giving instructions, you have a problem. We give information the way we listen.”

In order to effectively adapt, align with yourself; find your starting place. Are you a fact or feeling driven?

If you act first and research later, you drive thoughtful people crazy.

Second step: Learn how people receive information.”

It might surprise you, a few people do think about the feelings of others. If you’ve said, “But, what did I say?” in response to hurting someone’s feelings, you gave information the way you receive it.

Chris explained that he and his team took the DISC assessment. He’d interact with a team member and then read their profile. In about seven cycles he learned how to, “lean in their direction.”

Get over yourself by adapting your communication styles.

Visit Chris’ website:

Have you seen bosses who didn’t adapt? What happened?

In what ways are you adapting to others?

What do leaders who rely on positional power do?

How can leaders gain influence without resorting to positional power?

“Feeling good: The new Mood therapy”? by David Burns, M.D

The book is mainly targeting these people who experience vast mood swing, like frequent depression periods or frequent bout of anger… This is a version of a section in the book concerning “why we feel that way (angry) relative to other people…”, meaning that it is good to read the original section and compare what differ in style and nuances and counterpoint…

We are under this supposed truth that all our current emotions are consequent to our relationship with other people. We are adamant that it is people around us who are rendering us the way we feel, all these overwhelming negative emotions of anger, displeasure, depressive mood…

People are actually the catalyst who generate sets of emotions in us at every moment, but they are far from being the cause of the particular emotions we feel toward them or their actions at the time.

Our emotions are an interpreted version, a schema of the priming image and predisposition we are ready to heap on a certain individual, regardless of the facts or his objective nature…

What kinds of distortions that our negative emotions catalogue?

1. Labeling is the greatest offenders among the distorted emotions. We say “you are a jerk, a bum, a piece of shit…” and you are cataloguing in your mind all the negative attributes attached to these labels, and the person is defined as such…

Labeling is unfair to the person and to yourself first of all: Everyone of us a complex mix of positive, negative and neutral attributes, varying in degrees as we grow up and mature.

Labeling distorts the thinking process and lead us into this laziness of the mind that relies instead on ready-made versions that we save in our memory, particularly people we feel indignant with…

2. Mind reading distortions. We have this fantastic ability to judge people within fractions of a second from facial expressions and gestures and body language…and we are adamant that we liked or accepted the person from these quick first impressions. We say: “he has a mean streak, stupid-looking, bad-kid demeanor…”

What if in the first encounter the individual was upset or in a foul mood before he met you, and his facial expressions were not meant to be displayed to you?  We might be able to settle on an impression quickly, but how easily can we let go of a bad mood that distorts our facial expressions?

In many cases, first encounter mind-reading feelings are off track, and represent the mood you are actually crumbling under at the moment, kind of projecting your mood situation on people you are meeting…

3. Magnification of emotions.  We tend to exaggerate the negative attributes and dwell on them for longer than is necessary, and forget to attach enough emphasis on the positive characteristics and how they may counter balance the other kinds of emotions and attributes…

4. Inappropriate “Should” and “Shouldn’t” statements. As if you’re the ideal person to judge what another individual should be, do, feel or like…

The sense of loss, disappointment, or inconvenience may lead to this feeling that the action was unjust or unfair, as if the world is bound to behave and run the way our current state of mind wants it to function…

You think that you are entitled to instant gratification at all times, as if you are an absolute monarch or a despot…

5. The perception of unfairness and injustice is the ultimate cause of our anger and negative emotions: We want the world to behave in a one-way traffic, the way we want events to occur and people to behave, in timely manner, as logically as we assimilate the meaning of logic to mean to us…

As long as we believe there should be an “absolute” moral system that governs our lives, we are in great trouble with our negative emotions most of the time.

Fairness and justice are relative concepts, depending on the idiosyncratic of cultural legacy and traditional heritage. Social rules and moral strictures that are supposedly “accepted” in a particular community, are more likely a consensus process that was dominated by the majority and forced upon the varied minorities…

Moral statements about fairness are stipulations, not grounded on objective facts most of the time.

No amount of general acceptance can make a moral system “Absolute” or ultimately valid for everyone and under all circumstances. For example, no one ever asked the thousand of aborigines tribes and smaller States what is their opinions or input on a fair absolute system of moral priorities.

For example, if you are working as accountant under the US laws and rules, most accountants in other parts of the world would consider your job as flat-out a big lie, siding with the privileged class at the expense of the little people…It is not a matter of aligning numbers, and doing harmful simple math exercises…but being engaged in a dirty job, consciously and willfully…

6. Much everyday anger results from confusing our personal wants and desires with general moral codes. Acting within a set of standards and a frame of reference that are different from yours…

Actually, it is how you primed the other person attributes that is your guiding rod in your judgment, and not the actual acts and behavior of the other person…

The pragmatic question would seem: “Where will I draw the line as I am confronted with negative emotions…?”

Does this statement suggest that we have to objectively undertake a cost/benefit analysis for the outcome before every outburst of emotions? Not feasible, not natural, not possible…

At least, if we occasionally manage to take a deep breath before the coming outburst, we invariably bring forth our power of reflection to intervene, now and then, and we become better persons.

We could apply two guidelines as we learn to reflect before an outburst of emotion:

1. Is my anger directed because I think the other person acted knowingly, willfully, and intentionally in a hurtful manner? (feeling of contempt is one of these kinds of emotions)

2. Does my anger helps achieve a desired objective? Like sincerely wanting to get rid of the presence of a person in my life because he is a sure obstacle to my well-being, sanity… for one reason or another?




August 2012

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