Adonis Diaries

From the Outside Looking In

Posted on: June 20, 2016

From the Outside Looking In (Dec. 2002)

I fooled myself. I pitied myself.

I wanted to know all, diligently, for decades.

I wanted to change the World

In my dreams, night or day.

Aloof, confused, distracted and detached of your Worlds.

It was the right thing then.  Still right, I feel.

      I built ideas, pyramids of them.

Their heads reaching to the stars;

Their bases never touching ground.

Beautiful Pyramids, camping from up high.

Everybody looked base, mean and redundant.

Everything seemed tedious, small and crawling.

 

Nothing changed much.

I am still an outsider looking in the adult world.

 

I still abhor the maintenance part of life, the mechanics of living.

I cannot hope for a lasting relationship:

I cannot maintain a sustainable relationship.

I cannot hope to own real properties:

I cannot maintain properties.

I am scared of owning a house,

Of getting married and keep maintaining choices

I can’t sustain much of anything for long.

 

I admire the maintainers:  they spread progress in due time;

They keep life green; they regenerate man-made nature at a comfortable pace.

I loath the fashionable consumer, the up-to-date youth, and the throwaway:

They spread virtual progress, with other people money.

 

I am not a maintainer but not fashionable at the expense of others.

You cannot admire me but you cannot ignore my integrity.

 

May be that I was not trained properly as a child

To learn taking responsibilities, learning to maintain what I own.

The adult world is still a curiosity to me.

When the time was due to step in,

It was too late for me to learn a new set of behaviors,

In a society alien to me;

A much older or a much younger society.

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