Adonis Diaries

Archive for May 1st, 2017

Misbelief? When does it start and how can you sustain this it?

We have a holiday for it, but no good words. Belief in disbelief.

The asymmetry between incredulity and credulity. The fact that too often we believe in the wrong stuff, follow the wrong leader and take the wrong medicine.

In just a few decades, we’ve managed to wreck April Fools as a useful holiday. The stakes are just too high.

For a long time, we’ve been easily fooled by patent medicines. Snake oil was a real thing.

People used electricity in the wrong places for the wrong illnesses.

We swallow silver, see a faith healer and spend all our money for a small bag of magic beans.

At the same time, we hesitate to see the doctor, don’t talk to her when we do, and fill prescriptions but don’t take them when we get home. We’re skeptical about vaccines but eagerly line up for oxygenated water…

We believe, but in the wrong things.

When someone tells us a certain kind of person is dangerous, we’re too eager to believe our xenophobic instincts. We work ourselves into a frenzy over a small injustice, but stand by when the big scam gets done right in front of our eyes.

And we don’t like being wrong.

Hence the paradox, the corner we’ve painted ourselves into: We need to believe, we want to believe, we benefit from believing. We can’t function without news and connection and forward motion.

But, we don’t like to be proven wrong.

So it’s easy to begin by calling it all fake, by non-believing. To become cynical and short-sighted and brittle.

But non-belief doesn’t help, because we can’t make forward motion without belief. No society works without trust and optimism.

Which leads us right back where we started, which is the cost of agency and the cost of freedom: the responsibility of believing in things that work. We received leverage and the price is responsibility.

Our job is to see our misbelief and replace it with better belief, thoughtful belief, belief in things that actually work.

No fooling.

The Fright of my life: Intimate relationship

The horror for me, for a long time, was a “one on one time” with a “friend”. I cannot ask questions: A conversation is supposed to be reciprocal.

If I ask a question, the other person is entitled to ask the same question. And what am I supposed to answer?

I’m not verbally intelligent and not the sensitive person to show explicit compassion.

What am I to answer a personal question?

It would be much easier if the other person is the talkative individual and hoard the “conversation”. I wouldn’t mind to oblige listening and prod him with more details, just to keep him going.

I am realizing that I was a depressive person all my life, and I had no idea that I am scared of intimate relationship.

All I could answer were general statements, talks that don’t add any pieces of intelligence.

Like: “Enjoy the moment

A girlfriend retained this uttering of mine and ran with it when we split up by being far away from one another. I had forgotten that I said this statement, which is exactly what I have been practicing without knowing it.

I am scared of planning my life: it entails commitment in actions and for a long duration.

I don’t remember having asked any questions when hired for jobs.

I am a guy who sticks to his word when I commit to any job, and giving my word was never beneficial to me by any long shot. Thus, I am reluctant of committing to anything.

I turned to the alternative extreme: saying what I feel is needed to say and antagonizing almost everyone who converse with me.

They always will antagonize you to the point of no return everytime their underdeveloped ego is baffled.

How can any piece be of value and credible if not written in the first personal tense?

Note: Today, I feel a King: I’m the only person in this entire building of relatives and cousins. This Tuesday April 7, 2015 must be a trademark date for me to feel totally autonomous and independent.

How ironic that I cannot linger in bed: I always wished of such a day where I may stay in bed as long as my soul wish it.

But no, I have to get up early and tend to multitasks, spending some time on a task and starting another one before returning and finishing the previous one.

And doing what I never felt like doing




May 2017

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