Adonis Diaries

Posts Tagged ‘building walls to warding off fear

Fear, this persisting wave battering the wall that I erected to contain it.  I keep building successive walls, many layers of walls:  What if the first wall goes down?

And fear is many.  And fear increases in number, versatility, complexity, and intensity: a cry, a howling, a hissing, a growl in the dark…Fear of gun shots, bell tolling…Fear from a feeling of distress, a pain, a primary fear, a collective fear, a cultured fear, an acquired fear, an evolved fear… Newly emerging fears as we get married, have children, the need to survive as a family… Fear of questions, of inquiries, fear of answers that generate more questions, that require more need for deeper reflection, fear of delving in a resolution path…

The more questions the more the answers, but also the more of questions and inevitable increase of fear…

Fear of being viewed as crazy by the community, unfit among the “normal people”, fear of old age, fear of the sign ordering us to Stop from the active life, fear of solitude, of isolation, of the long night, of winter, of the cold, of mosquitoes, of the bright sunlight…

Fear of the knowledge we are immortal, that we will recombine in a stone, a raw material, uranium, a snake, a cock roach… Fear of total still silence, precursor of a cataclysm…Fear of the silence of Sunday evening, precursor of the terrible Monday morning…

I think that the energy we spend on building walls to warding off fear could move mountains.

Only those fleeting moments of complete surprises relax our overwhelming array of fear:  The monotony of the living has been broken and that is proof enough that life goes on.

Surprises such as a box on the nose, on the stomach, a blow, the blowing of the wind in our face, the sudden storm catching up with us, the lightening, a sudden rain-pour as we leisurely walked…Surprises of a friendly hand extended by a stranger, a winning smile expressing openness, a memory from childhood, a brutal emotion, an awakening to a brilliant sun, a silence when we are at peace…

We all comprehend that if we were not destined to die, all our behavior would have changed.  Who would care about religion, health social security, hospitals, planning, psychoanalysis,…The boredom of immortality, the emptiness of eternity!  The horror of time losing its potency and constraints to achieve.

All that I want is to be guaranteed say, one hundred years of health; safe of handicapping pain and a functional life: good eyesight, good hearing….  All that I want is to be guaranteed that I may change my mind, anytime I decide at any age, to getting on the business of acquiring knowledge and get engaged for improved human development indicators or the right to life, safe of famine, curable diseases, no infantile death, education for all, heath facilities to all.  All I want is to not be afraid to struggle for basic human rights for free expressions, free gathering, association…If I fail, I demand to be reincarnated as dog shit!

If I were immortal, I’ll keep jumping in the void: Eventually, I’ll learn to fly, or dive.




October 2021

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