Adonis Diaries

“Why am I how I am?”: Four Supporting Factors

 

Reason #6: Ideology

 

The next year I joined a political party. 

With next to nothing in political awareness I was carried away.

I was approached by close friends who already joined the party.

I attended secret lectures on the principles and doctrine of the party.

I read many of its literature and the writings of its leader.

I agreed on many terms of its principles and moral standings.

I still would not have joined if not for urgent nudging.

Even after joining I was not satisfied until I read the literature

Of the alternative political parties to compare and strengthen my belief.

I did not care for the positions of the right wing political parties.

I focused my ideological education on those claiming to be leftists.

I read all the volumes of Karl Marx, Lenin, and Mao Tse Tong.

I even read Kim Il Sung, go figure!

I slaved for that party:  I spent my scares financial resources which I did not earn.

I invested much time and efforts in organizing, marching in demonstrations,

Participating in ceremonies, attending the required meetings, and basically,

Wasted the better of my university years in chimera.

I failed to excel in my academic studies.

I failed to striving for good grades and looking forward for a brighter personal future.

 

Joining wholeheartedly a political party or any civic association could have advantages.

It could be an excellent decision that open varied opportunities for youth.

It can develop their personal potentials and connect with proper referrals.

Not this particular party and not for me.

My political party was a pariah to the Lebanese system of governance.

Theoretically, your application for joining the party is kept a secret;

Absolutely not true, but what youth knows?

Many political parties offer ways for advancement and jobs.

In my case, all public services and administrative position in the State were closed to me.

Even teaching in the public schools and most private schools were prohibited for me.

Political parties need leaders, directors, managers, and mostly “soldiers”.

The leaders are usually selected from the outspoken and the well connected.

My fate was to slave in the dark, spend my money and be an extra number.

Time is of the essence and the most critical at this juncture of my life.

I wasted time and efforts amply in the wrong direction and purpose.

 

These university years were the best in cultural development.

I spent countless hours seeing movies, watching theater plays and attending conferences.

Alone, always alone.

 

Reason #7: Smoking

 

I started smoking at the age of 26, just to fit in a bar exhibiting girls dancing nude.

I could not stand the taste or smell of cigarettes but managed to finish a box.

Slowly but surely I got hooked to smoking even though I still could not enjoy it.

I never even tried a single puff before then or was tempted to try.

This addiction to smoking precipitated my downfall:

I have been noticing substantial declines in whatever cognitive abilities I had.

I experienced lack of concentration on any subject for more than fifteen minutes.

My memory deteriorated even further.

I felt shortness in breathing, continuous coughing, and vocal degradation.

Smoking is nefarious for social relationships, especially among women.

Smoking is categorically not appreciated in a working environment.

I quit smoking for ten days: a beautiful girl made me promise for just that duration.

I fasted for 40 days because I wanted to share the fast of a Muslim friend of mine.

I excluded smoking from the constraints.

 

Reason #8: A social naïve

 

I am basically very naïve in social machinations.

This may not be a reason but a by-product of the previous reasons.

I keep my word even when I realize that the given promises were deceptive.

I once promised a manager to stay for a year as his assistant at a certain monthly pay.

The pay turned out to include the cost of many perks.

I resigned after a year.

I keep my part of any contract even when I discover that I have been abused.

I worked for four years at a job that was not within my domain:

I was promised a higher position after the work is finished.

I suffered stomach aches for six months:

The physical diagnoses didn’t show any cause.

It was a purely nervous work stress or a psychological factor.

But I fulfilled my contract.

I worked for five years in Real Estates, listing and selling private properties.

After two years of literal hunger I managed to earn a decent return on my persistence.

I spent lavishly on advertisement from my own pocket.

I had to convince the Internal Revenue Services of my poverty for months.

My profit was not commensurate to their assumptions by a long shot.

I consistently lowered my share on percentages which I thought were outrageous.

My position on commission rates raised the angst of my associates:

They activated a campaign to curtail my business and even kick me out of the syndicate.

 

Reason #9:  Lack of financial support and proper connections.

 

This reason might also be categorized as a byproduct;

It is at best a supporting factor;

As opposed to the previous basic and fundamental reasons.

My parents could not initiate another successful business after they returned to Lebanon.

While in the USA for higher education the civil war in Lebanon was raging.

My folks had no money coming in.

They even lost the remaining of their financial resources.

The devaluation of the Lebanese pound reduced their savings to nothing.

I had to fend for myself though the original plan was to visit every summer.

Now, many overseas Lebanese students were purchasing the latest car models.

I was pedaling a two-speed bicycle; the only transportation available to me.

There were no public transportation facilities in town.

I slung a backpack over my shoulders for provisions and whatever errands.

As a matter of facts all the cars that I bought were old and cheap.

Cars ruined me and I ended up giving them away to charity organizations:

I could not afford to repair them.

I had no family or relative connections whatsoever to providing any recourse or news.

Many students could get married for the purpose of obtaining the American citizenship.

I lived for over 20 years in the USA and did not secure even a Green Card;

An essential mean and requirement to be hired by any established company.

Strong connection or backed by powerful referrals do secure good jobs.

Many worthwhile jobs were denied me on the basis of not having this lousy Green Card;

It also disqualified me from a few important university projects.

The projects were directly or indirectly financed by the all pervasive Defense Ministry.