Adonis Diaries

Hating is good for me; (July 19, 2009)

Only in the last couple of days I realized that hating is good for me.  I suspected that I am a hating (not hateful) person since adolescence, and I tried hard to shovel down this natural tendency in so many layers and varieties of indifference to emotions.

This conscious travail of circumventing my natural tendency was aided by stupid religious teaching of faked synonyms of love, such as loving the neighbors and acting charitable to the ones who diligently made it a point of honor to belittle you and sap your energy and imaginations.

I realized that hating is good for me when I noticed younger generations promising elder relatives, raising their expectations for care, and then reneging on their words.  The worst evil is when the younger generations forget completely what they promised to elder people simply because there are “urgent businesses” to satisfy, and youth cannot cater for these disposable semi-individuals who are heavy burden on time and energy.

A promise is a promise, but when it is no longer applicable because promise is done to elderly, it is within the realm of absolute evil behavior.

Hating is good for me when a mother gets busy preparing a sumptuous dinner as a welcome home party to a grown up kid who has been away for months and never cared to call.  My hating goes to both mother and children. This mother makes me puke because she failed to teach the kids that retirement means time-off those bastards; that they can fix a sandwich or bring home dishes; that they should be able to wash their cloths; that they managed to take time to think of relieving their mother from further indignities.

Hating is good for me when married children think that they have the right to dump their burdens on the shoulders of their folks of over 80 of age, knowing full well that the parents are totally impotent to be of help and only exacerbate the parents’ anxieties and insomnia.

I realized that hating is good for me in my twilight; I didn’t invest on my natural behavior or prosecute my natural capabilities when it was worth applying them; I ended up a total failure: the natural consequence of all those who fought off what were in their nature.

Loving, hating, caring, despising, and all those values are good so long that we know who we are early on, are aware of the consequences, and just control the nasty extremes.  Feeling good is a prerequisite to appreciating feeling bad, and not the reverse; and we are indoctrinated since childhood on just feeling bad for our natural tendencies, instead of toning them down one notch at a time.

Hating is not acquired; it is developed by the force of circumstances. Hating does not mean getting even indiscriminately, on the basis of perception but in responding to unjustified and uncalled for actions. If you need to exercise your hating tendencies don’t fine tune it scientifically; elevate moral outrage to a state of art, you sob.

I realized that hating is good for me, but what should I do with my late conscious discovery? I lost most of my leverages to applying it efficiently. I cannot express it verbally because it would no longer be hating but just a fleeting state of anger and the confirmation that I am good in nature.  I have to keep my hate a secret, at least wrap it in silence and in a state of total indifference.

With the requisite of emotional faked indifference, the cycle is complete: I have reached “closure” but I am not yet satisfied.  Closure would happen when I manage to exercise my hating at least once; we always think that once is enough: that is the real problem with human.