Adonis Diaries

Posts Tagged ‘Henry Muller

“I am mediocre; what’s in to you?” (Jan. 28, 2010)

            It is the fault of Spinoza; he told me “character is destiny”.  After good reflection, I think he is the responsible person. Spinoza hammered in me this idea: he used to say “it is okay for me to be mediocre but not okay for you”.  He said that I had potentials, intelligence, and competence: we were both mediocre in school and he made it a habit to be ranked in school just below me.  He kept saying that It is a shame that I should be contended being an employee.  Spinoza wanted for me to accede to success, be a public figure, and that I had an important part to play in the world in due time.

            My friend Spinoza wore me down; I kept hoping since then that this bright future is close till late in life as I realized that my proper place is among the average people.  The camp of the average suited me well: I am not ambitious; even my father was honest enough to encourage me to study accounting.  My dad said: “Son, you are conscientious, honest, and not dumb; no Sir. I just feel that you can’t stick it out to high flatulent projects.  Best for you is to exercise a job that is relaxing, secure, and comfortable.”

            I knew that any effort bores me and that my potentials are limited.  I would have not minded remaining an employee and getting yearly small raises in salary.  By the by, I would have acquired a decent car, a washing machine, a TV set, and a nice furnished apartment.  Yes, this comfortable job that pays enough for me to see a movie once a week and go out twice a month with my friends would suite me nicely.  I could have gone along easy; I wouldn’t have to repeat every hour “I am a looser; I could have done this; be that; seen foreign lands.”

            Why Spinoza would not leave me alone?  Why is it fine for him to be mediocre and not me?  Why every week Spinoza felt the urge to check the balance of my weekly achievements?  He loved to inflate my ego proportionally to degrading his potentials.

            What’s for Spinoza?  Why didn’t he leave me alone wallowing in my mediocrity?  Spinoza was feeling pathetic. A sad person always harps on his miseries.

Note: got the idea from “Clem” by Henry Muller (not Miller”


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October 2020
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