Adonis Diaries

Posts Tagged ‘“It is up to me”

“All I care for is to stay Loyal to my Childhood…”:  A statement or a teaching?

This statement was of the French author Bernanos in his “The Grand cemeteries under the moon“.

My big problem is that I cannot consciously recall that I had ever asked myself questions in my childhood. Did my unconscious ever asked questions? That’s an abstract notion: Not the unconscious mind concept.

The next problem that I am having as a kid, and most of my life and going on…is that I am not proud of my naïve and slow learning experiences

How in that case can I be loyal to a phase in my life that refused or failed to reflect and take conscious decisions and actions?

If I were social smart, I would have reinvented a “self” and stayed loyal to what I have created by hard work and efforts…

“It is up to me” was my motto when I was all alone, struggling to survive, away from family and close relatives… But, this motto was intrinsically linked to a survival mind-fix, and barely has risen up to a level of a “concrete” grand value

It never occurred to me the idea that “They will try to change you, but you have to remain the same…”

I don’t recall playing with a toy, just can’t remember these kinds of instances or objects around me…

Have I ever been scared of death in my childhood? I don’t recall such a strong emotion. May it be safe to deduct that I felt immortal and death was out of a subject matter?

Even in the darkest of moments, when I was one step to becoming a homeless person, the idea that my time has come couldn’t touch my mind.

I don’t recall having discussions with my parents, family members or even close relatives. However I could take stands based on “common sense” and be willing to be beaten up for my position.

Like the time when grown up students were humiliating a Moslem classmate in the court yard, the only Moslem in the boarding school, a classmate I had no conversation with, and yet I took stand for him because it made no sense to attack children based on religious affiliation when you are totally ignorant about this particular religion.

I knew nothing about Islam, and my Sunni Moslem classmate didn’t know much about Islam, and the grown up students understanding was based on community idiosyncrasies

A aunt of my mother was a nun in the administration of that Christian Maronite all male private boarding school, and she never missed a religious occasion to have me decked as an angel. I was also expected to help the priest in the early morning church ceremony… All routine tasks that I didn’t care to think hard for considering a substitute job instead.

I recall in my first communion that I tried hard to emulate my team behaviors as the faithful, be sincere in my first confession of sins and the belief that all my sins were washed out… I just couldn’t recall what sins I could have made to confess of in the first place…

I didn’t have to act hard that I am one of the faithful: my dumb face was there to convince anyone of my total loyalty in Jesus, Marie, Joseph and all the stories of daily behaviors of customs and traditions of particular communities that religious book are packed with.

If I scratch a skin deeper, I have this strong impression that I basically had a doubtful mind in matter of opinions crowding around me: I could easily feel detached from the common opinions, though not being able to voice a reasonable counter opinion

It is not a childhood to be loyal to if you cannot remember anything before you are 6 of age. And whatever events that you recall have made you feel discarded, isolatde, unfit to play with schoolmates and share their common activities…

It is not a childhood to feel loyal to if you cannot recall having a meaningful conversation with parents, relatives or schoolmates, and felt reciprocated emotions…

Basically, “Staying loyal to childhood…” means:

“You are what you were in childhood: The world view you were made to construct, the ways you were trained to think and behave…”

“Staying loyal to childhood…” means:

“You are how your unconscious and subconscious minds were formed in childhood, the idiosyncrasies you accumulated…”

This statement is generally correct for most grown ups and it does not to be honored: You have a brain to think and a will to change what does not fit into your matured reality.

It is a life task to rethink your childhood and change your views and behaviors.

A characteristic that I adhere to from my childhood is to take stands against injustices based on idiosyncratic behaviors.

And I don’t consciously think that I was trained for that leaning. Be loyal to the good inner feeling of revolting against injustices: That’s the kind of loyalty to childhood you should retain.

Note 1:  Franz Kafka wrote in his diary of 1922:

“With no ancestors, no marriage, no descendants…. with a violent desire for ancestors, marriage, descendants.

All of them ancestors, marriage, descendants tend their hands toward me, but they are too far for reach.

There exists for each thing… ancestors, marriage, descendants a sort of pitiful and artificial compensation. We create these compensation amid the spasms of pains and suffering.

And if we are not destroyed by the violent spasms, we are by the desolate poor values of our compensations,”

Note 2:  Shocking mankind https://adonis49.wordpress.com/2010/10/03/who-is-mankind/

« Sans ancêtres, sans mariage, sans descendants, avec un violent désir d'ancêtres, de mariage, de descendants. Tous, ancêtres, mariage et descendants me tendent la main, mais trop loin pour moi.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
Il existe pour toute chose, pour les ancêtres, le mariage, les descendants, une compensation artificielle et pitoyable. On crée cette compensation dans des spasmes de douleur, et, à supposer qu'on ne soit pas détruit par la seule violence des spasmes, on l'est par la pauvreté désolante de la compensation. »</p><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
<p>Franz Kafka - Journal ; 21 janvier 1922
Translated Kafka’s French text :
« Sans ancêtres, sans mariage, sans descendants, avec un violent désir d’ancêtres, de mariage, de descendants. Tous, ancêtres, mariage et descendants me tendent… la main, mais trop loin pour moi. Il existe pour toute chose, pour les ancêtres, le mariage, les descendants, une compensation artificielle et pitoyable. On crée cette compensation dans des spasmes de douleur, et, à supposer qu’on ne soit pas détruit par la seule violence des spasmes, on l’est par la pauvreté désolante de la compensation. »
Franz Kafka – Journal ; 21 janvier 1922

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