Adonis Diaries

Posts Tagged ‘living world apart

I Can’t recall: Did I ever said “I’m hungry, angry, want this, wished that, desired anything…”?

Quality of Life?

The first 19 years of my life are practically a blank.  I may recall very few events, but I certainly don’t remember having shared my emotions or what I felt or any kinds of opinions.

Conversation in the family was nil: Nothing. Not around the dinner table, in front of the television, in the car…

No conversation. Not even “What did you do in school today”, “what do like to eat tomorrow”. where do you guys want to go this week end…

Nothing. I Can’t recall that I ever said “I’m hungry, angry, want this, wish that, desire…”?

Nothing. I never asked for money. for stipend, to buy a disk, go to a movie…

I don’t recall going to a mourning ceremony or being asked my opinion on any business transaction.

I had to change 3 times my main language. The first time when I returned to Lebanon from French Africa at age of 6 and I couldn’t speak or read Arabic : I was demoted one class lower, even though kids started schooling at age of 3 in Lebanon.

The second time when My parents definitely returned to Lebanon and I was taken out at age of 12 of the boarding school to another private French speaking school. I couldn’t speak or write French and was again demoted a class. The third time was using English as my main language for higher education in the USA.

Consequently, my verbal intelligence is of the lower level, as well as my social intelligence in connecting with people.  This never translated into higher levels in other kinds of intelligence.

One of my close relative spent 9 months in our house in order to finish his last year of high school. He was 4 years younger than me, but just 2 classes lower  in school.   All that I remember was that he locked himself in his small room to study.  He surely must have had dinner with us. I don’t recall.  I cannot remember we had any conversation, sat in front of the TV, went out to see a movie… anything.  I can’t recall.

A blank youth.

Quality of Life?

My younger brother is 3 years younger, and my sister 8 years younger.

I slept with my brother in the same bed a few summers, and in the same room otherwise, but my brother is a stranger. We never talked or had any serious conversation. We lived a world apart: we never shared our worries or our occasional happiness.

I bet my brother too feels that his youth was a Blank

That goes for my sister.  Blank youth: Otherwise, we would have recalled the moments we felt hungry, angry, wished passionately anything, demanded a few rights…

Nothing. Is that any kind of quality of life?

And yet, my parents were well off, meek and law abiding and would have not refused us anything considered “safe behavior”, if we simply asked.  We had no strong passion to ask or demand much of anything.

We were not trained to hold on any strong passion.

Note: I suspected that another close relative lived with us in order to attend the last year of high school. He is one year older than me and 3 years ahead in school classes. Even my mother forgot that he lived with us for 9 months. But cousin confirmed my suspicion, as well as my elderly father.  What a blank page was my life til the age of 19.





March 2023

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