Adonis Diaries

Posts Tagged ‘memory

“Souvenirs” (March 16, 2009

Many people still move a little.  You have individuals who lived at one location when singles, then they relocated across the street when they married.  Many of these “across the street lodgers” lived to be a hundred; they never needed the help of anyone.  Is that the best or the worst character that human kind is capable of?

Many parents experienced extended prison terms, many sentences were not of civil crimes.  Many served in wars. They come home with a few belonging from prison.  They hide or lock up those belonging in obscure corners in the house. 

It is up to the offspring to discover those “miserable inheritances” to remind themselves that refreshing memories now and then is good for the future of humanity. 

A few inherit the old and smelly outfit in small handbags any which way life take them. A few make it a sacred ritual to touch the bag before taking a decision; the impression that this reminder of the existence of this bag might improve their behavior.

A flood of questions come to mind:

1.  why parents have to keep their prison souvenirs?

2. Why lock them up if they are so important?

3. Why not communicating with their offspring about their experience in prison?

4. Why not writing about their emotions and conditions of feeling incarcerated if they are that important? 

5. Why preferring to commit suicide instead of opening up? 

6. Why the inheritants fail to wash and iron their “sacred trove” of smelly cloths? 

7. Are only official military uniforms worth washing, ironing, and displaying?

There are many reports from rebel-plagued States.  The rebels and the governments reciprocate in crimes against humanity.  Most rebellious movements create parks for children; the tombs are toboggans, the swings posts made out of old rifles, pictures of “kids martyrs” plastered around the park: those innocent eyes will soon shine with hatred and their tiny bodies torn to pieces when exploding among crowded civilians.

Social memory is selective.  The horrors of the past registered by lousy writers ended up in the dust bins.  The terrors of the past that generated laws which didn’t pass “parliaments” ended up in archives. 

Only the lousy laws enacted by the military colonial powers were retained by under developed States, such as detention without prosecution.

Invariably, movies would like you to believe that only on New Year’s Eve people make their moves to get out of solitude. 

Invariably, the characters say that they were depressed for many months and never ventured outside their residences except New Year’s Eve.

Invariably, the night ends up as a success story; the protagonists agree to never forget the memory of one another, on each New Year’s Eve, for the remainder of their miserable life. 

You guys think that there is one official New Year’s Eve? Wrong, there are many and for each religious sect.

You might, if you wish, line up many more memories per year; why be content with only New Year’s Eve?  There are so many holidays and so many public memorial dates, and many more of the private kinds.

Dreaming has a Memory of its own (March 2, 2009)


            I dream a lot and when I make an effort I can sometimes recall the feeling and emotions of the reel.  I realized that dreaming has a memory of its own.  Very often, as a dream unfolds I have the impression that a section in the story has been shown before.  It is as if the administrator of the dream part of memory has a library of DVDs, a department specifically reserved of what have been dreamt of.

            As I dream I know right away that I have seen and felt that story and there is nothing I can do to stop it or ask the librarian to change it to another DVD.  The only time that I might pre-empt the movie is when I reach the part that affect my survival such as a very dangerous moment; then, frequently I force myself to wake up and put an end to the nightmarish DVD.

            There are DVDs where I am running around in search of a toilet but find none that are clean; it is so disgusting that I learned to put an end to the malevolent reel and get up and piss.  I am so repulsed that I don’t dare go back to sleep right away.

            I wonder if those in coma are subjected to the same set of DVDs and that when their eyelids flutter or they have jerky movements then they are trying to react to a very nasty section of their dreams.  The worst part would be if the dream part of memory has been partially damaged and the comatose patient has to suffer a limited choice of lousy and frightening DVDs that keep being loaded ad infinitum.

            I would not mind to be shown lovely DVDs in my dream that I like to see as often as possible.  The problem is that the memory library for dreams is awfully biased toward horror movies, mostly very disgusting.  May be the best way to shelve off, for a long time, a bad recurring dream is to write it down.  It would be a nice experiment to edit the bad sections, in the written exercise, and add sections that you would like the administrator of dream memory to edit for you and have a more enjoyable version.

            There must be an interface section between the “real” memory and the dream memory.  The dream memory needs refresher impressions of sensorial feedback in order to edit versions of stored DVDs.  I guess rational knowledge is also transmitted.  For example, I had this piece of intelligence in my dream that fish have no complex memory; that for survival purposes they have a dual switch of ON/OFF like eat do not eat.  If this binary memory is detracted and stuck to one setting then the fish will keep eating till it blow or starve to death. Now, I would like to know if what my dream has offered as a hypothesis is true scientifically.

            I also would like to know if dream memory organizes in the same manner as real memory.  If it is true, then scientists have an alternative method for taking advantage of the dream memory to uncover the mystery of memory saving and retrieval.

Digitizing Human Memory: any Problems? (February 11, 2009)  

Do you know that a foundation in California called “Repository for Germinal Choice” had already generated over 200 babies by artificial insemination of “exceptional parents” in sciences, sports, and successful private entrepreneurial? 

The mother recipient has to undergo test of intelligence and score high IQ.  The billionaire Robert Graham had this lube of storing sperms of Nobel Laureates  in order “to improve human intelligence by eugenics selection“.

The Nobel Laureates declined the temptation and the foundation went after second choices for successful and smart people in all fields.

Daniel Plotz published in 2005 “The Genius Factory: Unraveling the Mystery of the Nobel Prize Sperm Bank“.  Plotz managed to locate 15 out of the 200 “super intelligent” kids, but so far only one family agreed to come out publicly. 

One of the new breed is Doron Blake with an IQ of 180 and born in 1982.  This adolescent stated in a TV interview:

Having a high IQ does not make me a good or a happy person. Being intelligent is not enough to define an individual. What kids need is not to be pressured by over motivated parents for solely education purposes.  What I appreciate most in me is my capacity for loving others; I don’t think it is feasible to select genetically good and loving individual; nurturing is the key factor here.

On another front, it seems that researchers in cognition are attempting to transfer electrical impulses from human memory into digital signals

This phase of the endeavor might be possible with the nanotechnology where microscopic elements are infused in the blood reaching specific sections of the brain. 

The first problem would be what hard or soft storage technology would be appropriate to transfer that much information and at what speed.  

The second difficulty is the hardest:  Given that the headaches in the first stage are ironed out then how to interpret the stored data?

I have taken many courses in human memory and what I recall is that it is not reliable

The critical problem would be the interpretation of the data. 

I am inclined to believe that most of the research would not be geared to emulating human intelligence or its problem solving capability or how man transfer its information to the “dust bin” and then how he recovers the needed information to survive and go on living. 

What the zealot researchers don’t know is how the data would “benefit” other objectives.

The providers of funds and decision makers surely have different agendas that researchers are not supposed to know at this stage. 

One agenda is probably to transfer the memory of one person to another person or to a robot and test and evaluate and eliminate and improve and then scrap projects after sinking in billions of scarce resources.

Biography of memory failures (November 22, 2008)

Did you experience a harrowing moment of memory dysfunction?  If you didn’t yet, then it is as well: you have lost your memory and there is no benefit to retrieving “difficult” memories.

It is these series of memory dysfunctions that set you thinking “What are the boundaries on reality, composed reality, dream, fact, virtual reality, conviction, belief, faith and absolute truth?”

 Let me tell what happened this afternoon.

It is a Saturday afternoon; the Independence Day of the Republic of the State of Lebanon, recognized by the UN since 1943. I watched briefly the military parade that has been discontinued for many years.

I got up at 4 p.m. to piss after vivid dreams film; it was somewhat dark and raining outside; dad had the kitchen light on.

I was so convinced that I was getting up from my long night sleep.  When my hand watch marked 4 o’clock I jumped to the conclusion that it was the battery of my watch that was getting low on power.  I tried to go back to sleep but my brain wanted to recall what I did last night before I went to bed (Remember, I write my diary).  I tried hard to recall but I failed.

I tried all the possible alternatives of my daily behavior in the evenings like writing, reading, watching cables, visiting my sister Raymonde and her kids, or any hint to hang on to and then proceed from there chronologically. Nothing.

I panicked. Is my memory starting to fail me for good?  One fact retained my attention: mother is up too early and usually she goes to sleep early morning because of multitude of pains and nightmares.  It dawned to me to consider the alternative that I am waking up from an afternoon siesta and the facts matched and I was relieved.  

If the memory indicator failed to point to the check list of chronological events, or the list was temporarily  erased then who would I be now?

Here is a section of my autobiography on my memory failures or what I suspect to be related to memory dysfunctions in me.

I have started writing my diary since 2004 as a series of typical days before this decision turned to a full fledged daily detailed “diary” since the war in July of 2006.

 In July 12, 2006 Israel invaded Lebanon for the hundredth time, killed over 1,500  Lebanese civil citizens and destroyed all Lebanon’s infrastructure and every house in south Lebanon.  I started writing my diary because I sensed that my episodic memory might be failing and I had difficulty with the semantic memory in recalling names, not quickly enough, even the ones I am familiar with.

I do have a vast general knowledge, but lately I feel that I can benefit greatly in providing answers if the format is in multiple choices for recognition.  Mother still has good episodic memory at the age of 83 but her instant recall of names is very bad.  Many times mother is telling me a story or a current piece of news and she fails to remember a name and her hands shake with frustration. Often, I figure out whom she talking about but the irony is that I cannot retrieve the name too from my memory bank; a silence is broken until one of us recall the name or the silence period lengthens enough to fake that the matter is irrelevant in the first place.

Mother reminds me of many events that I had completely forgotten, even my personal accidents that I should have retained, like car accidents and nears death occurences. Mother told me about Joseph Hayek who rammed my opened car door and almost injured me; I asked her to give me more details until I had a feeling that the accident happened.

I usually tell mother to continue her story with more details so that I might recover part of the situational episode.

Dad has still excellent memory, episodic and semantic but his hearing is failing, so does mother though she would never concede to it.

 Dad is ashamed of asking me to take him clean his ears, so is mother but more vehemently!  Thus, the writing process might be a good exercise for saving my remaining faulty memory connections and keeping them alive a bit longer.

I read in the Lebanese daily Al Nahar that German scientists have located the gene AVPR1A number 334 responsible for the abstention of 40% of the males to marry or to stick to their vow to marry.

It appears that this gene is also the cause for autism or the closing up of the mind to society and thus living inward.  I think that I strongly have this gene and if I submit to DNA analysis then the result would be positive.

I believe that my ranking in schools and university has declined sharply since I was 17 years old because my memory started to decline.  I guess my persistence in continuing my higher education and even earning a PhD in engineering might be due to my inner and stubborn anger to defying my memory faults.

For example, when I focus on any subject I can comprehend the mechanism; a few days later I feel that I know the general process but I need pointers to recall the process and refresh my understanding of the subject.

I have lost many friends because I failed to recollect their names or worse calling them with the wrong names.

When I returned to the USA after five years of absence I have this guy who calls me excitedly as being a long a dearest friend of mine and I could not remember the name or even put a face on the caller; the guy was one of my roommates!  He was very frustrated when I met with him; the irony is that I still could not remember him even with his face but I had to take his accounts for real because his recollected accounts matched realities.

In gatherings, a bloke would turn towards me for some reason and say “you should know him; he was kind of intimate with you“. What can I say?

Names are more often than not a blank in my memory; a picture can certainly help as long as it is not updated!

Thus, when I salute people I do not try to name them!  I guess that my inability of memorizing songs and poems and jokes has strong foundation.

 My asocial behavior might be due to my failing memory early on, which has corrupted my discourse and robbed me of quiet and convincing communication moments instead of irritated and truncated paragraphs.  An excellent memory is necessary for mental effectiveness, for social gathering, for telling jokes, for recounting events in details, and fundamental for efficient communication and making friends.

I don’t like talking on the phone or any instant feedback on audio-visual medium: I lack verbal intelligence. I feel that my verbal memory is too slow to communicate any sense in a timely fashion.

My sort of communication is to listen and query what the other person is saying.  In a gathering I look stupid and redundant and ignorant of the substance or fundamentals of chatting and delivering small talks or maligning others or memorizing and delivering jokes.

I know by experience that when sometime I am dragged into heated conversation that I make a complete fool of myself and never finish sentences and alienate everyone in the audience.

Well, I better stop chatting; who cares?




August 2020

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