A detour stroll in “Doubts Park”

Note: Re-edit of “One lovely stroll in Doubts Park; (Jan. 4, 2010)”

I always claimed that whatever I do is meant to search for the Truth.

That is a lie: I run away from the fact that our reality is fundamentally the universe of doubts.

I should admit that this world of doubts is specific to humankind, I should accept it, integrate it in my life and enjoy strolling in Doubts Park.

It is nice, now and then, to take a short break from listing the thousands of questions that constantly perturb cognitive man and try to please my huge ego by trying to resolve a single existential question, just for the fun of it.

I was led lately to read with some attention detailed descriptions of heaven and hell.

I was shocked with these infantile and crude stories that are carbon copies in all religious Books.

I had the impression that all these prophets had No imagination for even slight variations; actually the only tiny variations were in the sadistic punishment of those intended to be visiting hell.

I had another revelation: all those prophets started recounting scenes of heaven and hell after they received recognition and enjoyed the tendency to clinging to power.

It was as if scaring people is the common technique to all who hold on to power.

All those prophets lived the masochist life till getting recognition and then let their imagination loose on the saddest sadistic punishments and unbridled lusty desires.

It was like all prophets are of a certain type of men that sustain only extreme binary attitudes in their deep subconscious, while disseminating the message of learning to tend to the middle line in the spectrum of our passions.

I have something to say; but first let me refresh your memory.

On Heaven

You have got about six rivers.  You select from the following items:

First, a river of pure running potable water;

Second, a river of milk or yogurt with even taste (you might have to settle on your favorite taste; if you didn’t have the opportunity to taste all the fruity flavors then never mind: there must be available more exhilarant venues to investigate; anyway, you have all the time unless you start rebelling again. If you are allergic to milk then no problems, go on selecting other items);

Third, a river of honey (I assume in those days only unadulterated bee’s honey was marketed; more Book’s research funding is required);

Fourth, a river of perfume (not specific, you would have tough choices if you failed to try all scents while alive);

Fifth, a river of wine, most probably beer, which never gets you inebriated enough to utter foul sentences or curse the Devils.

(I guess you should have choices of alcoholic beverages: you earned it.  My hypothesis is that you can opt for the four rivers to be of the wine kinds: you earned it, mind you).

Sixth, a river of oil (I am strongly inclined to believe that it is olive oil; tough luck if you hate olive oil; you can switch this river to scotch or vodka, I guess).

How to drink is no problem in heaven: you can use crystal cups, jars, Jeri can of gold, silver, or titanium (that last metal is of my own invention) or just sit and lap straight from the source or I would suggest letting your sweetheart pour it from her fresh mouth.

Oh, on the subject of sweetheart you have to be patient a little: I just like suspense.

If none of these rivers are to your liking then remember: the guiding light is not to worry about heaven: it is the other alternative that you should mind about.

From what I read I came into understanding that we are all going first to hell.

Pretty much as in immigration concentration camps.

Then, very few would be shown the exit door; and a few would be acrobatic and focused enough to cross the long thin bridge to heaven.

I should stick to heaven now.

You don’t have to worry at all.  Just imagine the varieties of condiments!

Do you like fresh, juicy, and ripe fruits?  Do you love dates, grapes, or pomegranates?  These are the fruits mentioned in the Books.

Remember, you better get a taste for Levantine assortment of fruits; but it is also said that you can have any kind of fruits and I suggest you don’t get frazzled that soon.

The beauty of it is that trees will deliver their fruits in any position you feel comfortable in (such as standing, lying, stooping, or sitting).

My impression is that you could order the branch to drop the fruit in your open mouth.  If I physically toiled hard in my life then that would be my ideal option of delivery.

Hey man, wait.  We have got the best news ever.

It will blow your brain away. You will have all the women and adolescent men for any kind of intercourse you desire. You can throw bacchant parties any time you want and you will be perched on high wide beds, very cushy, and perfectly ergonomically comfortable.

Good tiding for the women kind.

You women are nowhere mentioned in the picture of heaven and hell: the Jewish sect in Judea never endowed you with souls anyway.  But don’t you worry as yet.

God will recreate you to pleasure the select men.  Sorry, since very few men will be selected to go to heaven then don’t push: not all of you will be re-created.

The good news is, if created, you will all have white skin, screwy eyes (hawal), long hair, and none of you would be over 33 of age.  You will enjoy firm tits; it is up to the select men to shape your tits to the fruit of their desire. That is how I figure it.

Certainly you will be wearing jewelry and silk dresses. I think that, unlike men wearing only fine white robes, you might have a wide selection of fabrics and colors.

On Hell

This section would be brief: I know that you guys have suffered enough in this life that you don’t give much weight to the puny punishments that you might be allotted in hell.

Hell is simply fire, a lot of it, and its temperature is 60 times the temperature of earth core.

Hell is not upgraded with fire alarms. It was the result of lack of imagination: a million fire alarms going off at all the time would certainly scare the Bejesus out of anyone, regardless if he was engulfed in fire and black smoke.

Thus, don’t fear that much, please.  The mechanical instruments for conveying pain are archaic; they are mostly chains, gardening, and harvesting implements…

There is no diabolic high tech suffering machines.  I failed to read that you might be half buried in sand to be nibbled at by ants in a scorching desert.

Guantanamo Bay was, since time of creation, in the visual field of God but he refrained at the last second: God wanted to test the evil potentials of men.

You may read the reports of the commissions on human rights and the juicy archives in the United Nations.

You will be zipped straight to hell with no recourse for leniency, even if you witnessed close death encounters several times.

Just writing this article, any sacerdotal caste should judge me as good as dead a dozen times.

As for what might open the gate of heaven is simple: allow no one to share power with God, have field charity in the heart coupled by notarized proofs.

I doubt that predicators go around describing in details the conditions in hell and heaven; they tend to just mention hell and heaven as if everybody was told once in his life the stories in these final relocation places: I guess once is enough to grab the attention of kids.

Most probably, hell was described to kids at untenable moments, but I doubt heaven was ever a favorite topic to parents.

My suggestion is if we feel ashamed to tell the minute details of hell and heaven as recounted in the Books, if these stories should be labeled X-rated for cruelty or sexuality and not suited for less than 18 years of age, then the words hell and heaven should be scraped from theology teaching.

Faith should not be based on a reward system: If Heaven and Hell are the return for a life-time of toil and struggles then, they don’t come close accounting for justice.

Faith is this pleasuring drama of playing stupid, communicating our confidence in human good natured heart and well intentioned purpose to rescuing his fellow man in time of need.

Sometimes, true faith generates reciprocating pleasure and it increases human dignity on pragmatic criteria. It is not worth feeling bitter of your limitations: suffice to believe that all living creatures are holy.

The first attribute of human kind is freedom to doubt; the second attribute is liberty to take pride in what we doubt.

The level headed should desire to die.

If hell, then it is a piece of cake compared to our hellish life on earth; ask any persecuted inhabitant who was detained, tortured, and humiliated.

Ask people dead from famine or thirst.

Definitely, hell has lost its power to scare.

If heaven, then hmm…it won’t be such a bad condition after all to live in.

I might be slightly worried of boredom, but I trust God would endow the sexy “Houries” with enough playfulness to keep me interested for eternity.  Heaven definitely can have my vote.

Life is all about taking a single stand for human dignity.

I sincerely hope that my readers are invested with strong sense of humor.