Adonis Diaries

Posts Tagged ‘sense of entitlement

Is gender equality good for everyone?

Privilege is invisible to those who have it?

I think that most women refuse to be equalled with men, unless for equal pay

It’s the right thing to do. Michael Kimmel makes the practical case for treating men and women equally in the workplace and at home. It’s not a zero-sum game, but a win-win that will result in more opportunity and more happiness for everybody.

Michael Kimmel. Sociologist. Author of “Angry White Men,” Michael Kimmel is a pre-eminent scholar of men and masculinity. Full bio

Speech on May 2015

I’m here to recruit men to support gender equality.

What do men have to do with gender equality? Gender equality is about women, right? I mean, the word gender is about women. Actually, I’m even here speaking as a middle class white man.

I wasn’t always a middle class white man. It all happened for me about 30 years ago when I was in graduate school, and a bunch of us graduate students got together one day, and we said there’s an explosion of writing and thinking in feminist theory, but there’s no courses yet.

So we did what graduate students typically do in a situation like that. We said, OK, let’s have a study group. We’ll read a text, we’ll talk about it, we’ll have a potluck dinner. 


“White men in Europe and the United States are the beneficiaries of the single greatest affirmative action program in the history of the world. It is called ‘the history of the world.'”

1:07 So every week, 11 women and me got together.

We would read some text in feminist theory and have a conversation about it. And during one of our conversations, I witnessed an interaction that changed my life forever.

It was a conversation between two women. One of the women was white, and one was black. And the white woman said “All women face the same oppression as women. All women are similarly situated in patriarchy, and therefore all women have a kind of intuitive solidarity or sisterhood.”

And the black woman said, “I’m not so sure. Let me ask you a question.When you wake up in the morning and you look in the mirror, what do you see? And the white woman said, “I see a woman.” And the black woman said, “You see, that’s the problem for me. Because when I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror I see a black woman. To me, race is visible. But to you, race is invisible. You don’t see it.”

And then she said something really startling. She said, “That’s how privilege works. Privilege is invisible to those who have it.” It is a luxury, I will say to the white people sitting in this room, not to have to think about race every split second of our lives. Privilege is invisible to those who have it.

Now remember, I was the only man in this group, so when I witnessed this, I went, “Oh no.”

And somebody said, “Well what was that reaction?” And I said, “Well, when I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror, I see a human being. I’m kind of the generic person. You know, I’m a middle class white man. I have no race, no class, no gender. I’m universally generalizable.”

3:02 (Laughter)

I like to think that was the moment I became a middle class white man, that class and race and gender were not about other people, they were about me. I had to start thinking about them, and it had been privilege that had kept it invisible to me for so long.

I wish I could tell you this story ends 30 years ago in that little discussion group, but I was reminded of it quite recently at my university where I teach.

I have a colleague, and she and I both teach the sociology of gender course on alternate semesters. So she gives a guest lecture for me when I teach. I give a guest lecture for her when she teaches. So I walk into her class to give a guest lecture, about 300 students in the room, and as I walk in, one of the students looks up and says, Oh, finally, an objective opinion.”

All that semester, whenever my colleague opened her mouth, what my students saw was a woman. I mean, if you were to say to my students, “There is structural inequality based on gender in the United States,” they’d say, “Well of course you’d say that. You’re a woman. You’re biased.” When I say it, they go, “Wow, is that interesting. Is that going to be on the test? How do you spell ‘structural’?”

I hope you all can see, this is what objectivity looks like.

Disembodied Western rationality. And that, by the way, is why I think men so often wear ties.

Because if you are going to embody disembodied Western rationality, you need a signifier, and what could be a better signifier of disembodied Western rationality than a garment that at one end is a noose and the other end points to the genitals?

That is mind-body dualism right there.

So making gender visible to men is the first step to engaging men to support gender equality.

when men first hear about gender equality, many men think that’s right, that’s fair, that’s just, that’s the ethical imperative. But not all men.

Some men think “Oh my God, yes, gender equality,” and they will immediately begin to mansplain to you your oppression. They see supporting gender equality something akin to the cavalry, like, “Thanks very much for bringing this to our attention, ladies, we’ll take it from here.”

This results in a syndrome that I like to call ‘premature self-congratulation.’

There’s another group, though, that actively resists gender equality, that sees gender equality as something that is detrimental to men. I was on a TV talk show opposite four white men.

This is the beginning of the book I wrote, ‘Angry White Men.’ These were four angry white men who believed that they, white men in America, were the victims of reverse discrimination in the workplace.

And they all told stories about how they were qualified for jobs, qualified for promotions, they didn’t get them, they were really angry. And the reason I’m telling you this is I want you to hear the title of this particular show. It was a quote from one of the men, and the quote was, A Black Woman Stole My Job.”

And they all told their stories, qualified for jobs, qualified for promotions, didn’t get it, really angry. And then it was my turn to speak, and I said, “I have just one question for you guys, and it’s about the title of the show, ‘A Black Woman Stole My Job.’

Actually, it’s about one word in the title. I want to know about the word ‘my.’ Where did you get the idea it was your job? Why isn’t the title of the show, ‘A Black Woman Got the Job?’ or ‘A Black Woman Got A Job?'”

Because without confronting men’s sense of entitlement, I don’t think we’ll ever understand why so many men resist gender equality.

we think this is a level playing field, so any policy that tilts it even a little bit, we think, “Oh my God, water’s rushing uphill. It’s reverse discrimination against us.”

 let me be very clear: white men in Europe and the United States are the beneficiaries of the single greatest affirmative action program in the history of the world. It is called “the history of the world.”

now I’ve established some of the obstacles to engaging men, but why should we support gender equality? Of course, it’s fair, it’s right and it’s just. But more than that, gender equality is also in our interest as men.

If you listen to what men say about what they want in their lives, gender equality is actually a way for us to get the lives we want to live.

Gender equality is good for countries. It turns out, according to most studies, that those countries that are the most gender equal are also the countries that score highest on the happiness scale. And that’s not just because they’re all in Europe.

Even within Europe, those countries that are more gender equal also have the highest levels of happiness.

It is also good for companies. Research by Catalyst and others has shown conclusively that the more gender-equal companies are, the better it is for workers, the happier their labor force is.

They have lower job turnover. They have lower levels of attrition. They have an easier time recruiting. They have higher rates of retention, higher job satisfaction, higher rates of productivity.

So the question I’m often asked in companies is, “Boy, this gender equality thing, that’s really going to be expensive, huh?” And I say, “Oh no, in fact, what you have to start calculating is how much gender inequality is already costing you. It is extremely expensive.” So it is good for business.

And the other thing is, it’s good for men. It is good for the kind of lives we want to live, because young men especially have changed enormously, and they want to have lives that are animated by terrific relationships with their children. They expect their partners, their spouses, their wives, to work outside the home and be just as committed to their careers as they are.

I was talking, to give you an illustration of this change — Some of you may remember this. When I was a lot younger, there was a riddle that was posed to us. Some of you may wince to remember this riddle. This riddle went something like this.

A man and his son are driving on the freeway, and they’re in a terrible accident, and the father is killed, and the son is brought to the hospital emergency room, and as they’re bringing the son into the hospital emergency room, the emergency room attending physician sees the boy and says, Oh, I can’t treat him, that’s my son.” How is this possible?

We were flummoxed by this. We could not figure this out.

 Well, I decided to do a little experiment with my 16-year old son. He had a bunch of his friends hanging out at the house watching a game on TV recently. So I decided I would pose this riddle to them, just to see, to gauge the level of change.

Well, 16-year-old boys, they immediately turned to me and said, “It’s his mom.” Right? No problem. Just like that. Except for my son, who said, “Well, he could have two dads.”

That’s an index, an indicator of how things have changed. Younger men today expect to be able to balance work and family. They want to be dual-career, dual-carer couples. They want to be able to balance work and family with their partners. They want to be involved fathers.

11:36 Now, it turns out that the more egalitarian our relationships, the happier both partners are. Data from psychologists and sociologists are quite persuasive here. I think we have the persuasive numbers, the data, to prove to men that gender equality is not a zero-sum game, but a win-win.

Here’s what the data show. Now, when men begin the process of engaging with balancing work and family, we often have two phrases that we use to describe what we do. We pitch in and we help out.

And I’m going to propose something a little bit more radical, one word: “share.”

Because here’s what the data show: when men share housework and childcare, their children do better in school. Their children have lower rates of absenteeism, higher rates of achievement. They are less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD. They are less likely to see a child psychiatrist. They are less likely to be put on medication.

So when men share housework and childcare, their children are happier and healthier, and men want this.

When men share housework and childcare, their wives are happier. Duh. Not only that, their wives are healthier. Their wives are less likely to see a therapist, less likely to be diagnosed with depression, less likely to be put on medication, more likely to go to the gym, report higher levels of marital satisfaction.

when men share housework and childcare, their wives are happier and healthier, and men certainly want this as well.

When men share housework and childcare, the men are healthier. They smoke less, drink less, take recreational drugs less often. They are less likely to go to the ER but more like to go to a doctor for routine screenings. They are less likely to see a therapist, less likely to be diagnosed with depression, less likely to be taking prescription medication. So when men share housework and childcare, the men are happier and healthier. And who wouldn’t want that?

And finally, when men share housework and childcare, they have more sex.

of these four fascinating findings, which one do you think Men’s Health magazine put on its cover?

 “Housework Makes Her Horny. (Not When She Does It.)”

14:04 (Laughter)

I will say, just to remind the men in the audience, these data were collected over a really long period of time, so I don’t want listeners to say, “Hmm, OK, I think I’ll do the dishes tonight.”

These data were collected over a really long period of time. But I think it shows something important, that when Men’s Health magazine put it on their cover, they also called, you’ll love this, “Choreplay.”

what we found is something really important, that gender equality is in the interest of countries, of companies, and of men, and their children and their partners, that gender equality is not a zero-sum game. It’s not a win-lose. It is a win-win for everyone.

And what we also know is we cannot fully empower women and girls unless we engage boys and men. We know this. And my position is that men need the very things that women have identified that they need to live the lives they say they want to live in order to live the lives that we say we want to live.

15:21 In 1915, on the eve of one of the great suffrage demonstrations down Fifth Avenue in New York City, a writer in New York wrote an article in a magazine, and the title of the article was, “Feminism for Men.” And this was the first line of that article: Feminism will make it possible for the first time for men to be free.”

What makes me tired when organising with middle class comrades

Grassroots organiser Nicole Vosper has been delving into the topic of campaign burnout on her website. In this post she looks at some of the issues around organising with middle class comrades

I have many middle class friends and comrades whom I adore, this post certainly isn’t directed at everyone. But after years and years of organising, coming up against similar frustrations, and after lots of conversations between working class mates, I want to write about what is draining about working with some middle class activists.

It’s important to flag up that I’m writing this as a white, cis woman in England and I’m aware of the privilege that carries.

I’m worried this piece will ignite a backlash, so I’m asking middle class folks that are triggered by this to perhaps talk to other middle class people and not email me about it. For once, please, just listen and reflect.

Also, because I want to be as constructive as possible, at the end of the post I’ve listed some of the character traits of middle class friends and organisers who don’t drive me up the wall.

Sari El Molh shared a link.

What makes me tired when organising with middle class comrades

  • Talking about the working class as a homogenous mass makes me tired. Assuming certain cultural stereotypes are working class and certain things aren’t is annoying. Likewise talking about working class people like they’re scum, sheep or brain-washed masses is patronising and elitist. Talking about how you can “reach out” to the working class is also problematic.
  • Romanticising certain aspects of working class culture is tiring, when growing up with zero money and zero financial stability is the least romantic thing ever. Similarly fetishising poverty, as if it’s a game or adventure, is an insult to folk who have no choice.
  • Feeling judged because I actually want a livelihood so I don’t have to relive the hell of not having any food in the fridge is tiring. Unlike middle class people we don’t have a safety net. We can’t play the romantic poor anarchist for ten years then inherit property. Flirting with poverty as a lifestyle choice is not the same as growing up in poverty.
    • Talking about working class people like we’re the problem, as if our lifestyle choices are the determinant of various forms of systemic suffering, is totally infuriating. It is politically naive and dangerous.
    • Perhaps one of the more dehumanising experiences in life is being treated like some kind of subject/object of study for academics.
    • I have left a prison-related conference in tears because of this. Being tokenised or used to further someone’s career is grim. It’s put me off the world of academia forever (there is no entry point for me anyway).
    • You expect me, and other working class folk, to get excited about your projects, campaigns and initiatives when they are not relevant to our lives. We face much bigger barriers to organising, yet we’re somehow meant to do a ton of extra work on top of the challenges of day-to-day survival.
    • We are generally organising on top of being carers, or parents, or supporting mates in prison, or recovering from trauma or alcohol, drug abuse and domestic violence that you may have not experienced.
    • (I’m aware not every middle class person has had a good childhood, I’m just trying to highlight a pattern). Often there are no structures in place to support us to participate such as travel expenses, childcare support and food at meetings.
    • You often judge our lifestyle choices and take positions of moral superiority. One of my favourite ever scientific studies was the one that showed people living on benefits had a lower carbon footprint than middle class ethical consumers. (carbon footprint? No need for explanation?)
      • It is alienating and disempowering when middle class people talk about experiences like they are completely universal. I spent a whole weekend with folks repeatedly talking about which international trip they were going to take next.
      • Seriously, it feels like we live on different planets. In extension of this, a common pattern I’ve observed over the last 15 years is that middle class folk are way more likely to volunteer abroad or do exciting things, like go on the Sea Shepherd, or go live in a tree-sit protest the other side of the world.
      • Or participate in grim colonial projects like paint school walls in Africa or whatever. There is a consistent failure to participate in any kind of grassroots or community organising in the UK and once again, working class organisers are left holding it all (and then being judged not radical enough).
      • Middle class people can tend to dominate meetings, especially at public events. There is a sense of entitlement that the whole world needs to hear your opinion and you have all the answers. Ever tried listening?
      • Middle class people can also tend to dominate movements and perpetuate a privileged position of nonviolence. I’ve been at protest camps that have felt like a love-in with the police and power structures that be.
      • It’s exhausting and frustrating when you dismiss potential comrades because of their language, background or behaviour and fail to remember it takes time to learn/unlearn how we act.
      • If I hadn’t had such solid self esteem, I would have abandoned all these movements years ago. It’s tiring when middle class people make unsupportive comments on our writing, grammar or language.
      • Not everyone has had the same level of education. It’s also really patronising when you talk as if we’re not smart because we might not have a degree.
      • In my early years of organising, so many middle class men would explain things to me assuming I didn’t know what they meant.
      • It’s tiring when you leverage your privilege in response to repression, whether by getting character references from people you know in similar positions of privilege, or simply having the financial support in your life which means you can focus on legal work. You don’t think about the repercussions this can have on people that can’t play this card.
        • And finally, what I’ve observed over and over again is this inherent need for middle class people to censor, control and mediate emotions.
        • There’s a deep fear of conflict, loosing status and control. I’ve been told to be less angry on demos, less emotional at events and more serious.
        • Stop telling me how to feel. When you’ve had a life of teachers, social workers and probation officers telling you how you should act, you don’t need the same mediating middle class behaviour in your collectives.

        So what does this have to do with burnout?

        Navigating this stuff constantly is exhausting. Never feeling like you fit in is disempowering, isolating and alienating. It is hard to feel supported by people who don’t share your reality. You lose affinity with people, groups and networks and are more likely to burnout and drop out.

        Fighting the state is hard enough without navigating a maze of middle class entitlement. And as a result these movements fail to offer me anything that can realistically improve my life or make surviving capitalism easier.

        Like I said at the beginning of the post, I do work with some middle class comrades whom I adore. I tried to think about what made them different:

        • They totally own up to their privilege. They’re honest about it. They take the piss out of themselves. They don’t try to be something they’re not.
        • They’re empathetic but not judgemental or patronising. They don’t pretend to have lived a different life than they have.
        • They take risks and do frontline work that threatens their privilege. They don’t expect it to be anyone else’s responsibility. Likewise they do the boring behind the scenes work too.
        • They leverage their privilege to support others. That might be lending someone money, or giving them a free place to stay for a while. Or it might be informally mentoring someone to improve their writing.
        • They’re aware of their speech and behaviour, how they phrase things so they are not offensive.
        • They don’t dominate meetings or movements or think they have all the answers.
        • They practically support people to participate by being militant that events are structured to support people to get stuck in (childcare, travel expenses). No one’s input is taken for granted.

        I hope people find this constructive, rather than critical.




August 2022

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