Adonis Diaries

Introspection: The mental “suicidal” decision (#51)

Posted on: February 25, 2009

Something on my life since I returned to Lebanon in 2000

 

The “suicidal” decision

 

            My diary covers the period since 2004 but it includes basically many events in most of my life and my impressions and should be used to fill the gaps in my shortened autobiography. 

At Re/Max I was doing fine with my associate Marlon, from the Philippine, and then I sold a property and the owners of Re/Max wanted the percentage on the bonus that the seller offered me and I got pissed off and asked a Real Estate lawyer I deal with to negotiate that bonus problem but I got no responses.  I decided to pay Re/Max $7,000 for past dues instead of settling for the 30/70 cut on a commission; that was a huge mistake on my part and I paid dearly for it.  I joined another Realtor in Gaithersburg as independent with a modicum monthly due but I had to change all my signs and posters and my business went downhill for the same hours of work and toil and misery.

And then surprise; finally after 7 years, the immigration got on my file as a political refuge applicant. My former lawyer had told me that if my file is not opened in that a six years lapse of time then I could apply for residency status; her information was not correct, I think. I had to visit the immigration office in Virginia for an interview; the case officer told me that I was entitled for residency after 20 years in the USA but as a political refuge case he has obliged to defer me to a judge and would not give me residency.

I was tired of fighting my case as a political refugee and I had not the financial means or the necessary support to linger any longer in the USA; I was practically sick and tired of my lonely life; I had lost or lacked any purpose there since my work in Real Estates was not saving me any money after the frequent expenses for promoting my line of business.

            On a whim, I ordered my lawyer to ask for voluntary deportation.  Consciously, I knew that this is the moment in my live that I decided “suicide” in the long term.  There were no major opportunities in Lebanon and I was never fit to live and transact in the social fabric of Lebanon.  I have always been introverted and could not be voluble as society would expect from me.  I had no friends and I didn’t expect to have learned much on how to make friendship.

I sold my car for cheap $1,000 to my landlord and left him everything that I could not carry in two traveling suitcases, including the Japanese “futon” that I cherished, my expensive hair cutter and my cellular phone and everything in my lousy room.  I made the mistake of leaving over $1,500 in the bank, an amount that the bank would not return to me on the tacit understanding that the government has taken the money to cover taxes due.

1 Response to "Introspection: The mental “suicidal” decision (#51)"

Thanks for your story.

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adonis49

adonis49

adonis49

February 2009
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