Adonis Diaries

Archive for the ‘sex/ love/seduction’ Category

And what remains after we discard all these mythological craps?

Elias Kazan, the late famous movie director, published a book “Acts of Love”. I liked the story that is down to earth to ethnic idiosyncrasies, customs and way of life. this is about Greek islanders who immigrated to the USA and hanged on their “homeland” mythological habits of behaving in a fast changing society

This is a passage in the French translated version “Actes d’Amour”

“Finissons-en avec tout le fatras de mythologies et de ces conneries dont on entoure l’acte sexuel:

  1. L’amour et la sexualite’ sont deux emotions differentes. C’est une évidence que nous devons admettre sinon on accumule des problèmes de tension qui ne sont pas nécessaire a une vie heureuse et paisible.
  2. La nouveauté exerce toujours un attrait
  3. La conquête est un plaisir pour les deux sexes
  4. On a un besoin pressant de nous rassurer quant a la valeur sexuelle
  5. Que l’amour ne se conjugue pas au singulier
  6. Qu’une personne peut aimer plus d’une personne a la fois
  7. Qu’il n’y a aucun mal a coucher avec les amis
  8. La promiscuité est enrichissante
  9. Les femmes se marient pour l’argent facile
  10. Les hommes se marient par pure commodité
  11. Les mariés restent ensemblent pour ne pas avoir a mourire seules…”

Et Ethel de demander au psychologue Cambere:

“Dis-moi. Une fois qu’on laisse tomber toutes les conneries dont tu parlais, qu’est-ce-qui reste?

Cambere: “Quelque chose de tres bien”

Question: What is this great emotion that remains after we drop all these  mythological craps about sexuality and love?

Note 1: What should remain is this most powerful of emotion: Pity. Pity is the greatest of all true emotions, and it include all kinds of mammalian species:

  1. We need people to have pity on us and that is why we extend a bad connotation for pity and try to find alternative terms for it, like kindness, compassion, caring...
  2. We know deep inside us that we survive thanks to the hundreds of people who had pity on us during our harsh life. Most of these people are strangers to us, and many didn’t even wait for us to ask for aid.
  3. People extend their pity and do Not expect but that someone else will return the favor in kind (pity), when hard times tacke us.

Note 2: Elias Kazan is the famous movie director and he turned to writing novels after the movie industry sanctioned him for being forced to divulge to the “Maccarthy Commission” in 1965 the names of the supposed communists in the industry.

Some have it very easy in life: They are mostly attractive

This Halo effect

A century ago, Edward Lee Thorndike realized that “A single quality or characteristic (beauty, social stature, height…) produces a positive or negative impression that outshine everything else, and the overall effect is disproportionate”

Attractive people have it relatively easy in their professional life and even get better grades from teachers who are affected by the hallo.

Attractive people gets more frequent second chance in life and are believed more frequently than ordinary people.

They get away with many “disappointing” behaviors and performances.

One need not be racist, sexist, chauvinist… to feel victim of this subconscious unjust stereotype.

Otherwise, how can teenagers fall in love and marry quickly?

I have watched many documentaries on the matting processes among animals.

And it was not automatic that the male who danced better, had a louder booming voice, nicer feathers… that won over the females.

Apparently, female animals have additional finer senses to select the appropriate mate.

Have you ever wondered why CEO’s are mostly attractive, tall, with a full chuck of hairs?

Probably because the less attractive are not deemed appropriate for the media?

 

“The man with the long curly hair”: Fragments of Abu Nuwas‘ Poems (February 12, 2009)

Note:  I am attempting to convey the style and position of the great Arab poet Abu Nawas during the Abbasid period.  The translation is not literal and I am selecting fragments in specific genres.

Ascetics  (Abu Nawas is witnessing his physical disintegration after his 50)

It is true O God: Great is my villainy.

Your clemency, I know, is infinite.

If the virtuous only dares keep hope.

Then, who the sinner is to appeal to?

Whom the sinner is to believe in?

In humility I implore you my Lord.

Don’t reject me! Only You can have pity.

You are the clement and forgiving.

Finally and besides, I am a Muslim.

My God, you have always been good to me.

My gratitude is little adequate.

Do I have to present my flat excuses?

My excuse is that I have none.

Nullity crawls in me; my members are dying one at a time. Every moment takes its share.

My youth has fled and didn’t deign to listen.

What have I done with my tender youth?

My youth was dedicated to pleasure, every day and every night.

All possible mischief I have committed.  Forgive me God; I hear you and I tremble.

The full moon is just a dim glow compared to your majestic Face.

I carry on my front the indelible mark of prostrations that might pass me a devout.

Oh, how many noble figures are entombed and as many refined beauties.

How many brave are buried and as many great minds.

Let a rational man interrogate Earth. 

We have taken all Earth’s alleys, highways, and passes.

Earth is our enemy disguised as friend.

 

Satires

(The Caliph Al Amine is pederast and wanted to honor Abu Nawas young son Mussa.  The satirized personalities were the poet’s benefactors and he joined their merriments)

The Caliph is losing his way.  It is the Caliph fault.

His ignorant vizier Fadl and his naïve counselor Bakr are to be blamed.

The Caliph Al Amine is a pederast.  He loves young eunuchs.

The Caliph is the active actor: How wonderful!

His vizier is the passive one.

The compromises of these two are splattering all the neighborhood.

Like a pissing camel.

How many women and men are needed to convince you of a rape act?

Rape is not sex.

Men don’t rape women because they need to get laid.

Rape is violence. It’s power and dehumanizing of women.

Many wonder why they (this group of men) raped girls while they could have consensual sex, but that’s not the point. They don’t want vanilla: they want violence. They want to humiliate, inflict pain and violate.

They want to take what they want without permission. Because they can.

We tip the nurse at the birth of the boy double the girl.

We say “go make your brother a cup of tea” and allow him to boss his sister around.

We raise our boys to do as they please. To pee in the street because “they can’t hold it”.

To sleep in and get breakfast to his bed instead of helping at home.

We praise his “masculinity” with the amounts of hearts he has broken because “boys will be boys”.

We forgive his fling with the neighbor’s girl because he is a boy while we beat the girl in submission, all her life.

We laugh at the stolen kisses in the staircase priding our “boy has grown” while we curse the girl who gave in.

But she is not ours so we don’t care. She is collateral damage.

We teach him that the girl he touched must be a slut, a sinner and if she has done it with you she must have done it with others.

We tell “our boy” not to cry or show kindness because a real man is tough and angry. We poison him with toxic thoughts and connect his masculinity to the level of hate and control he develops towards women.

We don’t tell him about consent.

When he has an urge it must be stilled. He can’t otherwise because “all men are like that, they are hunters by nature”.

We teach him that sex is something he does to women for his own pleasure only. We call them boys whereas they should be men.

We raise girls to comply. To become the perfect victim.

We teach her that her body is sin and must be hidden.

We teach her that anything is always her fault. She is sin. Her voice is 3awra. We teach her that she is a burden and not worthy of love, not worthy of autonomy over her body and life.

We tell her “all men are like that” when she comes home disrespected and defeated. We tell her “the boy likes you” when he is mean to her.

We tell her “your honor” is a membrane and that her life is worthless without it.

We cut her her genitals so she can be “controlled”, we make her bleed to prove virtue.

We tell her to be silent and do as she is told. We tell her to shrink so she is likable. We tell her to be silent so she can please. We tell her not to laugh too loud, to keep her legs closed, to dress to undress. To be a ghost.

It takes 100 girls to convince you he is a rapist and just 1 guy to convince you she is a slut.

Patriarchy is the reason for violence against women. Patriarchy is actually safeguarded by women. Break the cycle. Step out of it.

Start at the root. Raise your children differently.

Change the laws that enable rape culture and the dehumanizing of women.

Give women equality to men by law and enforce it. We have to stop being a society that hates and fears women so much.

Emulating Sex as with varieties of animal procedures

Note: Re-edit of “Mankind is having Sex Like Other Animals: No more emotional troubles? September 9, 2015

Are we okay with how we do sex?
We like to think we’re special, but the truth is that humans ain’t nothing but mammals.
This is particularly true when it comes to sex. Created by Mike Trapp for CollegeHumor, these illustrations show what it would look like if humans had sex like other animals.
iflscience.com
I fucking love science posted

Male dragonflies make the first move to kick off sexy times. To soothe the female, he’ll approach her from behind while they are both still in flight.

For successful mating, the male must keep his grip on the female, using his anal appendages to hook around her neck. This bond is called “tandem linkage.”

The insects then display extreme contortion skills to get their genitals together.


CollegeHumor

Mating for the male anglerfish is a raw deal, where he latches onto the female and becomes irreparably fused to her body to release sperm only when she releases eggs.


CollegeHumor

Mounting the female from the rear, the penis of the male turtle emerges from his tail to insert into the female’s opening (cloaca). Because of the slow speed of approach, the female turtle can be eating, sleeping or doing pretty much anything.


CollegeHumor

For more animal mating rituals human-style, check out more of Mike Trapp’s animations here.

Questions:

  1. If your penis was created much longer, how many of these Indian sex positions could be accomplished with any degree of satisfaction? Would raping activities be foiled more often than now? Getting entangled with this overgrown appendix?
  2. If your penis was underdeveloped, would males cruelty increase exponentially? And females cruelty on account of your shriveling maleness be unsurpassed in its violence?

Arabian Peninsula antiquity poems: Wars, Love crazed

Note: Re-edit of “Love crazed, Wars.. in Arabian antiquity poems May 22, 2015

Love crazed, Wars.. in antiquity Arabic poems

Loving crazily Leila

I see us in my daydream: 2 gazelles

Peacefully grazing, in the distant pastures of Hawzan

I see us in the desert: 2 pigeons flying back to our nest

Two fish in the waves of the great sea

I see us together in the tomb.

Retreated far away from the world

We will watch a new life resuscitated.

The universe reunited, the meeting eternal

(Majnun Layla (Qays ibn Mullawa3) was denied his wedding with cousin Leila and died very young.

After his death, the legend says that this poet was recognized as the poet laureate of the tribe.

 

War as described by Zuhair ibn Abi Salma

War is what you have witnessed

It’s not a conjecture

As you ignite war, it surges abominable

As young you excite for war, war flares up

Out of control

War will grind you to the bones

Twice ignited per year, war will produces twins

As sinister as the red star Aad

The more you breastfeed these twins

The more devastated  and laid to waste are the villages in Iraq.

(Zuhair ibn Abi Salma lived long and witnessed the emergence of Islam.)

He is famous for the opening line:

When you live to be 80, without a father, you are doomed to boredom”

And what remains after we discard all these mythological craps about sexuality and love?

“Finissons-en avec tout le fatras de mythologies et de ces conneries dont on entoure l’acte sexuel:

  1. L’amour et la sexualite’ sont deux emotions differentes. C’est une evidence que nous devons admettre sinon on accumule des problemes de tension qui ne sont pas necessaire a une vie heureuse et paisible.
  2. La nouveaute’ exerce toujours un attrait
  3. La conquete est un plaisir por les deux sexes
  4. On a un besoin pressant de nous rassurer quant a la valeur sexuelle
  5. Que l’amour ne se conjigue pas au singulier
  6. Qu’une personne peut aimer plus d’une personne a la fois
  7. Qu’il n’y a aucun mal a coucher avec les amis
  8. La promiscuite’ est enrichissante
  9. Les femmes se marrient pour l’argent facile
  10. Les hommes se marrient par pure commodite’
  11. Les maries restent ensemblent pour ne pas avoir a mourire seules…”

Un passage de “Actes d’Amour” de Elias Kazan. 

Et Ethel de demander au psychologue Cambere:

“Dis-moi. Une fois qu’on laisse tomber toutes les conneries dont tu parlais, qu’est-ce-qui reste?

Cambere: “Quelque chose de tres bien”

Question: What is this great emotion that remains after we drop all these  mythological craps about sexuality and love?

Note 1: What should remain is this most powerful of emotion: Pity. Pity is the greatest of all true emotions, and it include all kinds of mammalian species:

  1. We need people to have pity on us and that is why we extend a bad connotation for pity and try to find alternative terms for it, like kindness, compassion, caring...
  2. We know deep inside us that we survive thanks to the hundreds of people who had pity on us during our harsh life. Most of these people are strangers to us, and many didn’t even wait for us to ask for aid.
  3. People extend their pity and do Not expect but that someone else will return the favor in kind (pity), when hard times tacke us.

Note 2: Elias Kazan is the famous movie director and he turned to writing novels after the movie industry sanctioned him for being forced to divulge to the “Maccarthy Commission” in 1965 the names of the supposed communists in the industry.

Is it mostly “mislove”? Irrespective of Mid-life crisis?

Note: Re-edit of “Is it Love, Regret, Mid-life crisis…or “Misslove”?  April 1, 2012″

We really don’t regret the dreadful acts: We regret not having made more of them when society considered us to be at a stupid and reckless age

We regret not having far more sex, not going out with more blind dates, beautiful women or thought they were too above our condition to talk to, lovely girls we dared not approach…

And ending up with the recollection of pretty much a dry desert of a romantic life, tumbleweeds ever blowing any which way…

You are happiest when your mind wander the least at the task you are doing: Mainly when you are having sex

One of the partner will keep reminding you to focus on the job.

Even in close battle contact, having sex is a happier moment than shooting at someone else.

Young people and middle-age people who sign on to go to war are the one who were not “having any“: They are delusional that if they could not have sex in peacetime that wartime will bring far higher opportunities, sort of the army bringing in and paying for whores

Best time to die for men is when your sex engagement seems to have finally reached its climax in performance…of what you could ever achieve later on.

For women, climax is an addiction, and the best time to die is when the offer is getting rare…or of much lower quality in endurance or shame attitude…Sort of the male partner having this attitude: “I don’t give a damn what you think of my performance; I just got some...”

As Marcus Berkmann wrote:

Heterosexual men in mid-life crisis have a strong sense that, in mild weather conditions, there are more attractive women than they ever dreamed off in their youth.

Where were the attractive girls when I was younger?

The answer is that at the age of 55, men have included in their gawking a vaster range of women, starting from age 15 to 50…”

The trick is that sex was displaced to the realm of the mind: The mind is a far livelier, vivid, imaginative part that never rest or take a break from lusting…and going nowhere but circling in a vicious loop.

Trust is a one-year old baby laughing when you throw him in the air: How much trust is in any relationship? That is why sex-toys are the rage.  

The largest group are the divorced people, and they enjoy the highest rate of sex frequency in an average month (6 to 10 times), and only 1% of this group admitted having none, compared to all the other unhappy cluster groups.  

No wonder why people divorce in trove within the first 7-year stunt of marriage.

In the 18th century, marriages didn’t fail: They ended.  How so?

Life expectancy was so short that 25% of weddings were of the re-marriage kind.

In any case, sex was truly in the 5th position on the list of priority in marriage after trust, companionship, sense of humor, and financial stability…

The extended family lived and slept together in one room…

Mid-life crisis has nothing to do with age: It is a sudden realization.

The cause of the crisis is:

“You feel suddenly that you reached an impasse, and you are in no mood for making a U-turn promptly”. By the time you decide for a U-turn, you have made a fool of yourself so abundantly that you have no shame anymore

Mid-life crisis is the realization that we truly are going to die. Anytime soon.

And we dare not contemplate “When am I going to be next?”

We want to forget this sudden reality, anyway that tempt us, especially having more varied sex opportunities…We don’t want to die having this Regret of “Not had enough sex

Mid-life crisis people feel that their varieties and intensity of shame and fear are far less in number or acuity.

I think that in critical situations, particularly when a childhood memory plays the catalyst, mid-age sense of shame and fear are much higher than in youth period.

In any case, Jealousy is still there, more intense and livelier.

Jealousy simply lacks the vital  space of larger interactions with people, and the occasional encounters are very short, and the stamina to act on it is horribly reduced…

In Mid-life you hear more often “Let me present you my mistress, lover, girlfriend, special friend…” How about the more appropriate and dignified term “Misslove“?

In youth, mankind is an animal in the flesh; at older age he is an animal in the mind.

With rare exceptions, those very few in the very end of the tail of the “normal curve”, the rest of us 99.999% have no foundations to claim superiority over any specie.

We just take umbrage based on the performances of the very few.

And this is not a logical exercises!

This essay applies to the female gender too.

You flashed in my mind, Love

Note: Re-edit of “Emotions weaken my constitution, Love. May 2, 2011”

You flashed in my mind, Love.

My eyes never crossed your path:

Are you tall, blonde, svelte, green-eyed…?

 

My ears never heard your voice, Love.

Is you voice soft, passionate, warm, cadenced…?

 

How could I find you?

The moment you knock on my door, Love

Would you be fluttering with white wings, red, yellow?

Would you be blossoming in springtime violet, blue attire, Love?

 

Would you be crawling in my night dreams and waking dreams?

Would I be ready to sense your presence?

 

I am not one to hoard things.

All I care is to experience new sensations, once, one at a time.

 

Emotions weaken my constitution, Love.

Would you be gentle with my feelings?

Am I hard in the hearing?

Am I fuzzy in the vision, Love?

 

Do not despair, Love:

Keep talking, nudging, dancing, swinging, whispering.

Keep me alert, awake, alive, ready, Love.

 

Are you knocking Love?

As I open the door, do not manage my feelings.

Tags: ,

 

Sex needs a new metaphor: All current terms come from baseball?

Posted on March 11, 2017

Sex needs a new metaphor: No more sex as a competition

A lot of sexuality education hat in the USA that happens today is so influenced by the baseball model, and it sets up education that can’t help but produce unhealthy sexuality in young people. And those young people become older people.

Note: Re-edit and re-arrangement of a talk by educator Al Vernacchio.

The metaphors for talking about sex in the US all come from baseball — scoring, getting to first base, etc. (Does that metaphor extends to all States where baseball is the main sport activities, like Japan, Cuba…?)

The problem is it frames sex as a competition, with a winner and a loser.

Instead, Al Vernacchio suggests a new metaphor, one that’s more about shared pleasure, discussion and agreement, fulfillment and enjoyment. Let’s talk about … pizza. (Not comfortable with this alternative metaphor. Are we lacking in imagination?)

“I’d like to talk to you today about a whole new way to think about sexual activity and sexuality education.
If you talk to someone today in America about sexual activity, you’ll find pretty soon you’re not just talking about sexual activity. You’re also talking about baseball.
Because baseball is the dominant cultural metaphor that Americans use to think about and talk about sexual activity, and we know that because there’s all this language in English that seems to be talking about baseball but that’s really talking about sexual activity.
So, for example, you can be a pitcher or a catcher, and that corresponds to whether you perform a sexual act or receive a sexual act.
There are the bases, which refer to specific sexual activities that happen in a very specific order, ultimately resulting in scoring a run or hitting a homerun, which is usually having vaginal intercourse to the point of orgasm, at least for the guy. (Goal, goal say soccer fans)
You can strike out, which means you don’t get to have any sexual activity. And if you’re a benchwarmer, you might be a virgin or somebody who for whatever reason isn’t in the game, maybe because of your age or because of your ability or because of your skillset.
A bat’s a penis, and a nappy dugout is a vulva, or a vagina. A glove or a catcher’s mitt is a condom. A switch-hitter is a bisexual person, and we gay and lesbian folks play for the other team.
And then there’s this one: if there’s grass on the field, play ball.” And that usually refers to if a young person, specifically often a young woman, is old enough to have pubic hair, she’s old enough to have sex with.
This baseball model is incredibly problematic. It’s sexist. It’s heterosexist. It’s competitive. It’s goal-directed. And it can’t result in healthy sexuality developing in young people or in adults.
So we need a new model. I’m here today to offer you that new model. And it’s based on pizza.
Now pizza is something that is universally understood and that most people associate with a positive experience. So let’s do this.
Let’s take baseball and pizza and compare it when talking about three aspects of sexual activity:the trigger for sexual activity, what happens during sexual activity,and the expected outcome of sexual activity.
So when do you play baseball? (Is the female partner to clarify the name of the game before agreeing on the sex activity?)
You play baseball when it’s baseball season and when there’s a game on the schedule. It’s not exactly your choice. So if it’s prom night or a wedding night or at a party or if our parents aren’t home, hey, it’s just batter up.
Can you imagine saying to your coach, “Uh, I’m not really feeling it today, I think I’ll sit this game out” ?
That’s just not the way it happens. And when you get together to play baseball, immediately you’re with two opposing teams, one playing offense, one playing defense, somebody’s trying to move deeper into the field. That’s usually a sign to the boy.
Somebody’s trying to defend people moving into the field. That’s often given to the girl. It’s competitive. We’re not playing with each other. We’re playing against each other.
And when you show up to play baseball, nobody needs to talk about what we’re going to do or how this baseball game might be good for us. Everybody knows the rules. (Even the female partner?)
You just take your position and play the game. But when do you have pizza?
Well, you have pizza when you’re hungry for pizza. It starts with an internal sense, an internal desire, or a need. “Huh. I could go for some pizza.” (Laughter)
And because it’s an internal desire, we actually have some sense of control over that. I could decide that I’m hungry but know that it’s not a great time to eat.
And then when we get together with someone for pizza, we’re not competing with them, we’re looking for an experience that both of us will share that’s satisfying for both of us, and when you get together for pizza with somebody, what’s the first thing you do? (Divide the pieces according to the fatest?)
You talk about it. You talk about what you want. You talk about what you like. You may even negotiate it.
“How do you feel about pepperoni?” (Laughter) “Not so much, I’m kind of a mushroom guy myself.” “Well, maybe we can go half and half.”
And even if you’ve had pizza with somebody for a very long time, don’t you still say things like, “Should we get the usual?” (Laughter) “Or maybe something a little more adventurous?”
Okay, so when you’re playing baseball, if we talk about during sexual activity, when you’re playing baseball, you’re just supposed to round the bases in the proper order one at a time. You can’t hit the ball and run to right field. That doesn’t work. And you also can’t get to second base and say, “I like it here. I’m going to stay here.” No.
And with baseball,  you need specific equipment and a specific skill set. Not everybody can play baseball. It’s pretty exclusive
But what about pizza? When we’re trying to figure out what’s good for pizza, isn’t it all about what’s our pleasure?
There are a million different kinds of pizza. There’s a million different toppings. There’s a million different ways to eat pizza. And none of them are wrong. (Not necessarily)
They’re different. And in this case, difference is good, because that’s going to increase the chance that we’re having a satisfying experience.
And lastly, what’s the expected outcome of baseball? Well, in baseball, you play to win. You score as many runs as you can. There’s always a winner in baseball, and that means there’s always a loser in baseball. (They are all the males: they are Not fit (erogenous locations) to get any substantial pleasure or sustain the aroused desires to the practised female)
But what about pizza? Well, in pizza there’s no winning. (All those who didn’t experience stomach ache?)
How do you win pizza? You don’t. But you do look for: “Are we satisfied?” And sometimes that can be different amounts over different times or with different people or on different days. And we get to decide when we feel satisfied.
If we’re still hungry, we might have some more. If you eat too much, though, you just feel gross. (Laughter) So what if we could take this pizza model and overlay it on top of sexuality education?
if we could create sexuality education that was more like pizza, we could create education that invites people to think about their own desires, to make deliberate decisions about what they want, to talk about it with their partners, and to ultimately look for not some external outcome but for what feels satisfying, and we get to decide that.
You may have noticed in the baseball and pizza comparison, under the baseball, it’s all commands. They’re all exclamation points. But under the pizza model, they’re questions. And who gets to answer those questions? You do. I do.
So remember, when we’re thinking about sexuality education and sexual activity, baseball, you’re out.
Pizza is the way to think about healthy, satisfying sexual activity, and good, comprehensive sexuality education. Thank you very much for your time.
Al Vernacchio. Sexuality educator. In his 12th-grade Sexuality and Society class, Al Vernacchio speaks honestly and positively about human sexuality. Full bio

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